Marisha,Terry's imag. friend

life, or something like it
2004-04-18 05:40:29 (UTC)

love is the same, pink and fuzzy

hmmm... i only write here when i'm depressed... wow... but
it is not every time i'm depressed that i write here...

god, do i have issues or what?

i have my problems, wow, a lot of them...

such a lazy fat bitch... started going to the gym... like
taht's gonna help... love is not what it used to be... it's
never fresh and exciting, it is so relaxingly mellow...
feels like some kind of pink and bage fuzzy thing... it
wraps around you, so comfortably, and yet you feel guilty
about how good it feels, just because you think to yourself:
"i should be moving, doing something, not enjoying this solf
heavenly hell"

and love isn't bad, it's just so very the same... you go to
see the same person for the millionth time, you do the same
stupid things, there is nothing new to discover... you feel
like love is taking a familiar shape. it is dear to you,
but sometimes you wish to go back to all the uncomfortable
silences and the stares. and now you know that this is
love, just because silences are never uncomfortable. you
can sit in a room and say nothing for 30 minutes and not
feel obligated to break the silence. this is how you know
that this is the person you could stay with forever...

i have that with my sister, i don't even notice it
anymore... but it's true--unless she kills my best friend
and sleeps with my husband, we'll always be fine, friendship
wise.

this comfort is not bad, it's too comfortable, too the same.
you are way too used to it. and you wish you cold have
what you don't, the 'new' feeling.

and then you do the unthinkable... you make what is on the
verge of forbidden your dream. you glance over at her, and
you stare. 'she is a girl, so it's not cheating'
you are taken by her, and you need her... she is not really
forbidden, but she's new...

she is real, she is not... she's girl on the bus, she's the
girl in the comic book. she's so real, in flesh and blood,
she is so human it makes you sick. and she is a goddess,
she is dawn, she is perfect, she's flawless... she has red
hair and grren eyes, with eternal sadness shining at you.
she looks just like you, but how come you are not perfect
like her? you're nasty, you make yourself puke. yet you
want the goddess you reach out for you, even though she's
not real.

you're so fucked up that you want to burn you alive. you
need peace, but you wish for pain to come. you need pain to
feel real. it's the only way to tell you are human. yet
your father says you're a nazi in training. so carve him
out of wax, and you want to stick needles through his
heart... he doesn't deserve you. but what are you really?
what are you, but a little fucking shit??? you are
nothing... you make me sick. and you are me.

you turn your faith over to the many gods and demons. you
name yourself after the greek god of death Tanat. you call
out to the demons, you have no other choice... all you want
to do is see your mom one more time... but she never
comes... she can't walk, she can't talk... dead never talk.
you need the right type of spell. you are scared the
demons will leave you insane, thay will tear up your body,
and you will forever burn in hell. BUT SOME DAY YOU WILL DO
IT. YOU WILL CALL UPON HELL AND HEAVEN, TO BRING BACK THE
DEAD. AND YOU WILL DIE, BRINNING HELL UP TO THE LIVING.

I AM FUCKED UP!!!!!!!! kill me before i kill you. get me
before i get you... i am affraid of me!!!!!!!1 i don't have
powers, i don't have enough strength... i am bearing my soul
to you, and all you do is judge me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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