confessions of a never ceasing mind
2004-04-18 02:18:43 (UTC)

Love's harsh arrows

I see him when I close my eyes, hear his whispers in my
dreams......and cry out his name with the question...Why?
into the darkness of the night, my body wrapped tightly,
coiled into itself.

His love, his first and it seems his last, will be in his
heart forever, and trapping his heart in her cool hands.
He dreams of her, this woman that I have never known....and
yet oddly enough, I cannot be jealous of her, she was his
love, and loved him back with all that she had...until the
day she died. He dreams of her coming back to him, for him
to love just one last time. I can never be jealous of a
woman that loved him and treated him with care and love.

Now my heart is broken, he pushes me away, is it because he
is so afraid of losing another......or will his heart be
forever be in her arms? I call myself a fool, chiding
myself with the fact that I let my heart go out that far,
that despite all that I have been through, I still let my
heart open to him, trying to love a man that says he cannot
love. My heart is freezing in my chest, my world is
falling around me, even the simplist of life's pleasures,
sleep, happiness, the joy of a new day, all gone, replaced
my a black place in my heart, a void, an abyss, my heart
constricting more each's beats painful in my
chest, I can feel them all, each beat of the pain, each
beat of a fresh realization of being utterly alone.

I discovered the first taste of true love, something dear,
something precious, something that I could hold, could
love, only to have it hung just beyond my reach, no matter
how hard I try....he will never know nor understand how I
feel, this is a secret, like so many others that is locked
away inside my heart, inside my head. I was thinking about
him, as I often do now when my brain and body are not
occupied with other things.

"you got it, you got it bad,
when your on the phone,
hang up you wanna call right back,
you got it you got it bad,
when you can't miss a day with out them,
or your whole life off track
girl you got it bad when your stuck in the house and you
don't wanna have fun, with somebody else,
you got it bad"

it struck a rather familiar cord in my odd feelings that I
could not name or touch, something intangible had changed,
but I did not know what, then I knew, that I was lost, that
I would never be the same. But his heart belongs to a
woamn that has lain in the small place for rest. I cannot
fight with a ghost, cannot win against a woman that loved
him and as I said before, treated him with care. So now I
cry myself to sleep, dreaming fitfully only to wake to a
very cold and gray dawn. I can never tell him what I feel,
never tell him that somehow, somw odd way, he broke through
my defenses, tore down my walls, made me feel as though my
heart had sprouted wings, made me feel alive, "butterflies"
when he speaks to me, makes me smile when I see his name on
the phone, my heart coming to life after a slumber of ten
thousand years of death, now only to feel it crash, each
beat more and more painful, my face tilts to the moon, and
tears course down my cheeks, I walk back inside to a dreary
home and curl on the bed, my head tucked, my tears never
ceasing until I fall into a fitful slumber.

Eros has strung his bow, and has shot down psyche, her body
curling in pain, screaming Why? He says nothing, remaining
in the gray mists that surround him, she reaches out her
hand, but he remains still.