listen to my silences
2004-04-17 05:51:53 (UTC)

an unnecessity

my birthday was wednesday. some might call that exciting.
i was hoping too. but no. it was quite boring. very few
people remembered.

tiff did, of course. and nick. and my mom and dad and
grandparents. jamie, who i can always count on, went out
of her way and called me to wish me a happy birthday.
cosper emailed me.

those are the only ones who remembered.

brodie forgot...again.

jonathon did too. i reminded him tonight. i don't think i
should feel so bitter about people forgetting, but i got an
immense amount of satisfaction from him saying "well i feel
like shit". that feeling's gone now. i'm still bitter.

brandon of course didn't call. i hoped he might on the
fifteenth if not the fourteenth, just because of memories.
but i didn't really think he would. i think he'd be happy
if i just disappeared.

maybe i will.

honestly, who would know?

i guess to some extent, i have disappeared. the difference
is, i'm still around and available to those who need me or
want me around.

but i have become an unnecessity.

i'm really down right now. i know why, yet i don't. and i
keep reliving that night over and over again...

if tomorrow were tuesday, i think i'd make a lot of

i don't know.

i'm tired.

i miss reality. if you want an explanation of that,
respond to this or email me.

i won't apologize for feeling this way. this is how i
feel. deal with it.

or ignore it.


you said you'd walk a mile
in another man's shoes
i doubt you'd take a step in mine
after all that we've been through

but if you did
maybe you'd find
the reasoning behind
my state of mind

you said that i could call
if i ever needed to
i doubt that you would answer
after the things i said to you

but if you did
maybe you'd find
the reasoning behind
my state of mind

and you would see
that i'm hurting inside
and you would know
i'm much too strong to cry
but you can't care
that all i do is hide
so you don't know
because i won't allow you to try

because i can't tell you what i've been through
i'd rather just forget than go through it all again

but if i did
maybe we'd find
the reasoning behind
my state of mind

final thought: god sent me the cheeriest little bird to sit
outside my window. his name is chatterbox. i'm going to
miss him when we move.