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2004-04-16 07:33:58 (UTC)


shit, i dont want to write this down, not my usual topic,
but i guess i fucking have to. in accordance with my old
geocities journal. but i have to get my feelings out or
else ill cut/cry. it went like this.
ive been playing some dating sim off of newgrounds.com,
dont ask me why, but hentai and japanese dating sims are
incredibly fun for me. very satisfying, just something
appleaing about them i cant explain. anyway, i was playing
it for hours probably, so that night i had a dream about
it. well, not about it, just like it. here's what i
remember. or at least whats important. from physics class,
i was walking towards the library. c (i wont type her
name, but she was the very first mercury candidate,
something i cant explain about her, really fucked up my
head, never really did talk to her, but if you read my
earlier posts on the geocities diary you'll remember)
anyway c asked me to go to something, but the way i viewed
it it was like the love hina dating sim rpg format. i said
yes, to whatever it was, and she was all hippy and giddy
and shit, like in the games. thats pretty much all i
remember of it, i think i woke up, or not. music was
involved. all i remember was gy!be, but that was while i
was in physics (other part of dream) and some japanese
band, i think dragon ash, could have been the long song
that starts with shi, the credit music for battle royale.
and thats it. so anyway, 2 or 3 days later, eric and jon
wanna do something tonight, maybe some golden spoon frozen
yogurt. i say sure (this is on AIM), but eric isn't
responding, so jon suggests he, me, and c go to some boba
place. now keep in mind, i hadn't talked to c for about 3
or 4 years. i thought i was done with her. i forced myself
to put her out of my mind and mentally destroy her and her
memories. she caused too much pain. but ive been on this
mercury addiction lately, so i jumped on it and said yes.
what did i have to lose? i was at the end of my rope of
sanity. if i hadn't said yes, i would have been kicking
myself for years. for decades. so i showered up nicely,
and went. when we picked her up, she was a lot more
attractive than i remembered. well, exclusively to me, i
never recognize "hotness" or whatever the bloody devil you
kids call it nowadays. ive probably written about how the
only physical beauty i enjoy is change. and she was
different, couldn't place it. anyway, we went, got boba
drink (which i didn't fancy, too different, but chugged as
much as i could down), and just left. we didn't stop to
drink, just drank in the carride back. anyway, c (shit, i
keep accidentally writing her full name) was not
interested in me at all, it seemed. didn't make any effort
to talk to me. which i suppose i almost wanted. i was in
conflict between increasing our relationship (of what
little there was) or cutting it off permanently. also,
early in the trip, she mentioned something about l (to
jon, i had very little talking). now l were friends with c
and i back in 8th grade. i still wanted to befriend c, but
i was more friends with l. but l and c hit it off big time
as friends (as far as i could tell). so in an effort to
stop my pain, i wanted them to date, to cut off my hanging
scab of love for c. but he moved away shortly after, and i
was left with nothing. so im forcing myself to believe
that c and l are together, romantically or not, i want her
to be happy, period. so im out of the picture. anyway, ive
been feeling shitty about it irrationaly, so i thought
writing about it could help. usually does. and i guess it
fuck, im so ready for some glitch or prick to release all
this information to everyone, just so that i could release
all this shit from myself. ive been holding back a lot of
pain from everyone. pain impossible to describe. lotta
fear. anxiety. self-hatred. denial. repression. mental
stress. all understatements. i guess i want to give up. or
i want to save my life like a game, try out telling
everyone about my mind, see how it goes, and if it fucks
up everything, i can load to my previous save point. ive
been playing a lot of snes roms lately, so ill probably
dream about that too. whenever i do something too much, i
always dream about it, or daze off into a day dream about
it. anyway, spring break almost over, went as crappily as
i planned. shit, my selfhatred isn't going away, ill have
to do some minor cutting sometime soon. i can feel its
going downhill. 1 or 2 months, gonna be bad. karate
tournament on sunday, black belt test around the 17th. too
much pressure. anyway, im just going to have to repress,
repress, repress. denial is key. isolation is really the
key, i need to be alone more. fuck all that 'sounds like
you need to get out more and talk to people, be more
sociable' shit. no. talking never helps. im my only
friend. and only enemy. these voices are loudest when im
with others, ok now im going in circles, already told you
everything about this. well, now you know its still
happening. i guess thats the end. gonna stick to the usual
routine of rolling up into a little ball in the corner of
the world and cry myself to sleep.

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