2004-04-15 11:03:19 (UTC)

i dreamed that i died on a boat..

i dreamed that i died on a boat with my mother, but i went
into this other girl so i felt like i was still alive but
it was only for 24 hours and then i'd be completely gone,
and my mother threw my body into the ocean so that no one
would suspect her of killing me... i was in the hospital
because now the girl i went into was having the same
problem i had when i died, and i tried telling them it
wasnt real, to just leave her/me alone for one day because
i knew once i was gone, she would be okay, so i was telling
them it was somataform disorder, haha... i slept for 12
fucking hours last night, i got nothing done, i couldnt
keep my body up, i have absolutely no energy and when i do
i get so excited that i like use it all up in 30 minutes...
i just feel weak, my legs are shaky and my hands are shaky
and of course, we all know, it fucking hurts.. i was on the
phone with aetna yesterday, the nicest lady, she gave me a
whole list of new doctors i can go to for a second
opinion. and i decided, if they suggest surgery, i will do
it. because this is unbearable, im sad enough and crazy
enough without this. and i cant have a baby. well maybe i
wont live that long anyway and its stupid to focus your
life around one stupid dream. i have to go.