jen

Too Much to Say
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2004-04-14 00:00:56 (UTC)

trying to walk that road

for the first time i really feel like i'm walking
closely with God. i've tried so many times before, but i
think i always went about it wrong, or i drifted off very
quickly. something or other. but this time it's like i
wake every morning asking God what he wants me to do today,
who he wants me to pay special attention to. i'm no longer
telling him what I can do for HIM, but blindly following
what HE would have ME do. and sometimes i forget, i know
it too, and i feel awful. when i'm walking with him, the
smallest little thing like snapping at someone can make me
feel 10 times more guilty than if i had murdered someone
when i was out of God's light. (not that i've ever
actually killed anyone.) the other day i pridefully
snapped at ernie and i'm afraid i might have hurt his
feelings. i feel terrible.
my pride gets me every time, it's my biggest
struggle. it's one of those things i constantly have to
check in with God. Ask him to make sure that my motives
are pure. i wish i didn't let my mouth fly off so much. i
fight mean. i hate that about myself. hey, but at least i
hate it right? that's another thing i've been praying for
recently, that i would see sin the way God sees sin. that
i would loathe it in my life and see it for what it truly
is, something that seperates me from God. because for so
long it just looked like this sweet yummy piece of cake
that i wasn't allowed to touch because the boss said so.
God is slowly changing my heart, i don't even want to be
around it anymore or even talk about "dirty" things in that
whimsical sort of way. not out of self-righteousness, but
because it's starting to hurt me. well, hurt my
relationship with God. i don't want those things wedged
between us.

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i am so content right now. finally! every other
pleasure has left me wanting more when the high was gone.
left me anxious, unsettled. now i am at peace. i am
content without a boy...or boy-toy. God is getting me
ready for mr. right. truthfully, i still fight with the
memories of past "romps"...if you will. mostly at night.
it's so hard not to fantasize about sexual things when your
own memories are of such. you can keep yourself from
creating new fantasies, but you can't erase memories.
needless to say, i struggle with that...i could use
anyone's prayers.

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i'm worried about my friend. she doesn't understand why.


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