lonely butterfly

FunGuS * aMOunG *uS
2004-04-13 02:52:47 (UTC)

a love that will never faid

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately, here are a
few...
Ashley. and well...Ashley. I have also been thinking about
my mother and Jaedyn.
Ashley is the most important thing in my life, I think she
always will be. There is something about my beautiful wife
that I would like to discuss with myself. She has a lump.
One on her left breast. She didnt have it before I bit her,
so this is probably mainly my fault, which is probably why
I cry myself to sleep. That, and because I love her so
much. Is it possible that humans can create a cancer? Is it
true...I hope not. I keep telling myself EVERYDAY that it
was there before I was. It was just too small to detect.
Maybe I made it bigger, and DIDNT create it. As tears fill
my eyes I write this to remind myself, how horrible I am.
And to remind me of all the unforgetable things she has
taught me. Justa reminder...
She has tauht me to have a heart again, one I thought I
lost along the way to adulthood. She taught me how much I
really love my mom. No matter what I say to her, or about
her, she is he only one I can run to when I am left with
nothing. The one whos "love will never faid", and neither
shall mine. She has taught me to appriciate life for what
it gives us. No matter how crappy it gets, you can ALWAYS
laugh about SOMETHING. She taught me to not stress over
little things. To save money, to care about peoples
feelings, and that its OK to show emotion. She has also
taught me that deep down inside I am hurt. I have a lot of
anger built up. Much towards my mother and mainly peopl
that have hurt me, and made me emotionless thoughout the
years. That when my mother hugs my little brother, or tells
my older brother she loves him, I get so jelous and sad on
the inside, because I dont remember her doing that for me.
(I didnt even realize this before Ashley). So, I guess she
has MAINLY taught me how to love, how to appriciate it.
When I am with Ashley, EVERYTHING is perfect. When she
holds me till I fall into a deep sleep, my dreams are
wonderful. All she EVER has to do is smile. That perfect
smile I will live with for the rest of my life, the one
that makes me feel so lucky. The one that compleats me.
She has taught me many things that I want to take with me
in my heart, to my grave (when I die).
I would do ANYTHING for her.
The reson for me being so emotional right now, is because I
just came from her house. I just got back from looking into
her eyes, and kissing her goodnight. And while laying with
her, staring into her eyes, I felt my heart say something
to me. I felt my heart say she was going to be with me for
the rest of my life. BUT, might not me "HERE". Like one of
those, she will be in my heart forever, but not in sight.
Like god is going to give me a reason to me mad at him for
the rest of my life. Im scared that god is going to take
her away from me. So, i guess that is why, I looked into
her eyes and couldnt hold back the tears any longer. I told
her I wuish she would get better. This is what I meant. She
is sick with a sinus infection at the moment. I do wish for
her to get over this sickness too, but this was the main
thing. Im sory I didnt tell you Ashley, I know you knew
that that wasnt it, I knew you knew something more, but I
dont want to scare you, I dont want to loose you.
Im scared that you might laeve me one day, (if your dream
ever comes true) one with no hair and cancer. I fear you
will leave me. Leave me b/c you see and feel how sad this
would make me.Im a very strong person, and I know (i
think), that we will get through this TOGETHER. I will
love you for the rest of my life, b/c the love I have for
you, will never faid..




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