aNd sO i WrItE
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2004-04-12 20:49:53 (UTC)

Nd @n0th3r On3

Well today...
I'm not gone cry I can't
I refuse to cry but tha pain im feeling right now
Has no expression
I don't mean to have days as they follow
*have bad days* but... its just one thing
leads to another...........

Today started out great mah teacher
gave me hope to keep going
to keep on to show mah best effort...
She said mah work is very good and well done
very descriptive and brilliant but i need to
"show up for school" the whole class said it with
her as she said it bc everyone knwos what she gone say
She also said Im passing her class now which is
bananaz bc she hated me n i hated her
n we stayed cursin eachother out.... but i guess
mah work pays off as does everyones....
anyway after 1st period i was just chillin
n then i got a phone call... and then a txt
asking if i heard about Shawn and James......
I said nah I didnt and then they told me......
They were in a car accident... James Died....
Shawn broke his legs arm hips pelvise and ribs....

I wanted to cry so bad...
I wanted to scream... but i was in skoo and class
So i took it... and... damn I can't take it anymore
I feel so bad... and the fucked up thing is
James is dead Shawn is fucked up and they werent
even driving.... Once tha driver saw what happened
He jumped out of tha car and ran... they still dont
know where he is....... man... *sighs* ... these days
that have been goin by they have ups and downs...
I feel like ill never find a day where everything will
be okay... and be good... and i dunno
There goes another...... Nd another... Nd.....
who knows....

Yesterday was Easter.... and it was the worst Easter
Ive ever had and the last one ... it was so terrible
We didnt even have Easter... I cleaned the whole
house it was only me of course everyone always
fight when i ask for help so i just dropped it
and I cooked....

Every Easter its tradition that we wake up to
a room full of candy and teddy bears and my mom smiling
at us telling us to enjoy n have a good time
and its a time where we go to church and talk and
are together as a family....

I woke up that morning... to nothing...
but an angry empy house we couldnt afford gas for
tha car or food... we ate left overs....and then i dunno
soo much is running thru mah head... and i dunno what
to think or wha to do.......

I taught mah self this song on the piano...
well keyboard and its called Moonlight Sonata
Its so beautiful... and Alica Keys plays it at tha
beggining of her old Cd and sings to it and i fell in
lovw with it.... but i dunno theres something missing....

I'm thinking about mah aunt who just got out of
tha hospital... she had a tumor tha size of a
golf ball in her head right in tha middle
and now they sayin she can't smell ever again....
man shit is so fucked up

My pops aint doin too good i think he has some
tests today so he has to go to the hospital
I wish he would call me when hes done but i wont
hear from him till i call him..... i dunno

My mom has a job interveiw today i hope it goes
good maybe we can be at least okay for a while
My little brother is gone again... I wont see him for
a long time... n i miss him i wont talk to anyone in
tha house really and no one comes to see me in mah room
to check on me anymore he used to,... but now he;s gone

I miss Tyrone... I wish I could just hear his voice
just a lil bit...
Damn I reall ymiss Jerell
none of wha has happened or wha is going thru
ppl's minds would be going if he was here...
I wanna hear his laugh again.... he was such a geek
that was mah nigga tho... I think he aint like me tho
We kinda separeted... matter fact.. everyone has
gone their own way... its just... me n Ty now...
damn even Amber doin her own thing... thas bananaz...

Mah Knees have been hurting n i think finally
they gone buy me a brace... n a hotpad or something
hopefully it will help.... i dunno...anyway...
I dunno
I dunno wha to think
How to feel
What to do
Where to go
When to go or when to do anything
I'm just trying so hard to chill..... n maintain mah self
Man anyway I have to go... ppl waiting...
ill write later...
maybe later there will be a brighter day....
God Bless
0n3 1uv


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