Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2004-04-10 12:20:41 (UTC)

more whining; my life in general

at work, there are two girls i like,
but, in the interest of not getting fired,
i told them both i have a girlfriend. this
has in fact now gotten around the damned
place, and if i wanted to try to date someone
i'd be more likely to make out with josh.

tess, found me again. it's been months, and
almost an eternity since i last talked with
her. i feel, divided. i love the girl, i make
no issue, nor bones about it. I would love if
we could make it work. but, and you know me,
theres always a but in there somewhere. it
would be incredibly fucking hard to do so. but
oh so worth it. If i were to allow myself to
fall completely under her spell, I could, I am
sure, make her very happy, and she could, i am
hoping do the same for me.

the same could be said, for the grrl, i really
like, but, i don't know how she feels about me.
and i don't know, if it would work anyways, but
fuck me if i didn't at least try.

i am at this point in my life, that, most people
don't reach until they're in their late 30's to
early 40's. I'm having a mid life crisis.

my second one. it's less than a month before my
birthday, and for the life of me, i actually dread
the very thought. I only realized this a couple of
hours ago.

i don't know, anything. and it pisses me off.

fuck do i feel useless.

and so very alone.

i wish kristen would at least talk to me one more
time. for just a little while, she understood me
i think more than i ever really realized. and i don't
tend to let anyone in.

i've tried to let in tess, and i felt as though, i
didn't get enough, but, that was mostly my own
stupid expectations of my whims.

every time, I try to let someone in, i get burned, or
worse, dissappointed. i would rather get burned
than have to face being disappointed by a grrl i am
really into again..

and then there, is the other problem. the grrls i tend
to be most attracted to have some narcissitic and
bloody masochistic way of beating themselves into the
ground because someone told them they were useless or
worse, and no amount of my reassurance will, in the
current circumstanes change that.

man, austroulapithicus had it made back 2.5 million
years ago.

Bop some chick on the head, drag her back to the cave,
and make love like bunnies.

wish that i could do that with any of the girls i like.

but if wishes were horses, we'd have steak wouldn't we?

so, now i am back into the self doubt range of bullshit
i tend to ravage on my damned soul, and i wonder what the
fuck i am going to do about it.

so, here i am.

it's too bad, none will take my hand.

a leap of faith.

i'm a nice guy, with the bad boy look.

i am imperfect.

one day, someone will reap the benefits.

it's too bad.

i may have to settle for second best.