listen to my silences
2004-04-09 22:40:19 (UTC)


our last day in the apartment is april thirtieth. our
stuff will all be out before that. mine will probably all
be gone that tuesday before. i'm off of course, so it'd be
a good day to get everything out.

i've decided that with the money that i'd be using on rent
and other bills i'm going to open a savings account and
save for a new car. i'm thinking about one of those hybrid
toyotas. sixty miles per gallon in town. pretty sweet. i
got a while until then though. at least a year before i
can start really looking around. the summer after i get it
i want to tour the u.s. i don't want to go by myself...but
the way things are going...well that's a long way off so i
don't have to think about that aspect just yet. anyways
i'm excited. i might wait until after graduating college
to travel, i don't know. that way i could take longer in
each state. i'm going to visit the capitol and pick out a
few other places in the forty-eight connected states.
eventually i want to go to alaska and hawaii too, but you
can't exactly drive there without drowning or leaving the
country. so...yeah. i'm making a list of places i want to
visit in each state, which is why i got online.

there's all kinds of crazy dramatic stuff going on in my
life right now. i'm tired of it. i really am. but it's
stuff that just won't go away. so i'm working on reframing
it. that's my big task for the week. not an easy thing to
do, reframing. but i'm trying.

i've been writing a lot. mostly cause that was my big task
for last week...

there's a hole inside of me
where something good used to live
and now it's gone and won't return
and i've got nothing left to give

i've got nothing to contribute
no love to offer you
i come forward, broken and empty
worthless in every view

make me filthy
use me up
turn me inside out
drain your cup

used, abused
lying on the side of the road
can you save me, will you save me
tread lightly on my soul
or maybe you're like all the rest
grab my ass, grope my chest
ugly, incomplete, unwhole

a little graphic, i know. but honest to goodness deep down
feelings coursing through me. so yeah...been an
interesting little while since i've written in here.

i don't like this bitterness that i feel inside. but then
again, at least i know that i can feel...

final thought: i'm not too sure you care anymore, but then
again, i'm not too sure i do either