polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-04-09 18:53:05 (UTC)


this week was absolutely one of my worst. hands down.
never have i screwed so many things up, i don't think, but
i don't dare try and recall past weeks to see if i've
topped them. i hit rock bottom. my all-time low. i was
broken. cracked. i crumbled, finally.

sunday i heard him play piano. it was great. i've heard
him play before, but i was blown away nonetheless.
afterwards we went to the chimes and they ate while i
stared blankly around. i didn't eat, and they looked at me
like i was giving them the worst news in the entire world.
well i wasn't going to make them spend money on me! hell, i
don't even like my own parents spending money on me. money
is precious and limited, why waste it on me? after THAT we
went back to his house and watched tv and part of the
movie 'life'. i love that movie. it always makes me smile.
so does he. :)

monday was fine, tuesday was too, but wednesday is where
i freaked out. i don't even know what triggered it.
science. that test sucked big bunnies. i didn't answer a
single damn question. i left it blank, besides my name, on
the table. dr. whelan tried to get me to take it and i
refused. that really put me in a horrible mood, and after
that i just went crazy - i was loud an obnoxious for the
rest of the day. i bitched at all of my teachers at my
friends, and realized later what a horrible person i really
am. and it's pathetic. i'm pathetic. oy. wednesday night i
didn't even eat. i didn't get get out of bed, i tried, but
i couldn't stand up without crying. i just layed there with
the covers over my head and stayed in my nest (neset=name
for my room) for the entire night. i didn't want to go to
school thursday, but the unit forced me. first hour i
walked in late to my art class and finch yelled at me. ass.
so i bitched right back. and then he lectured his kids on
why they don't want to grow up to be like me. that's
exactly what he said. "don't grow up to be like her." and
that really hurt me. i really took it to heart. then max
got bitchy at me and so i broke down right in the middle of
art. putting my canvas together, i just started crying. i
had to bite my lip and take a deep breath in order to not
drown everyone in the liquid agony i was fighting back.

and i hate being a girl, especially at this age. my woman
troubles are being a serious serious pain. i did 60
something crunches and i felt like i was having a baby on
the damn mat. i was loud, of course, and ran around the
school in my gym shorts (ewww) in search for some drugs. i
finally got some and felt much mo betta, but nothing numbed
the pain i was feeling in my head. and he doesn't care. i
know he doesn't. this week was torture on me, and i didn't
even talk to him. things have been weird since sunday, i
don't know what it is. and i won't see him for a week
because we'll both be on spring break...today is the last
day before he leaves. we leave monday. damnit i'm crying
now. and i feel like i have no one to turn to. no one wants
to listen to this fat, messy blob ramble on about things
that make sense to only ME and no one else. i won't fess up
to my parents, i don't have another therapy appointment
untill the twenty-first (my session tuesday was just her
talking about the voice in my head that tells me what a
horrible person i am...), and none of my friends care about
me enough to actually listen and feel what i'm saying,
especially without calling me retarded or telling me to
shutup because i'm crazy and i'm just complaining. and that
really hurts. they have no idea how that just rams daggers
into my heart.

my friends are great, no doubt, but i can't help but feel
that they just care because they HAVE to. that doesn't make
sense. and i don't care. mary and michelle are always
together, when mary's not with wishelle or jennifer and
michelle isn't with max, beth, courtney, tess, or whoever.
they're some of the only friends i have that i can talk to,
and i can't talk to them. they have their own worlds that i
don't fit into. and it kills me. my self-esteem is
steamrolled. i've never felt so alone in my life. and my
blade has abandoned me, or at least it was taken from its
hiding place by snooping parents who swear it's just
because they love me. they don't know that it's my
dependency. i really needed it and it wasn't there and i
couldn't do anything about it. i freaked. i need help, but
i'm in too deep to fix it.

mom's treating me today though. i'm getting a graduation
dress and maybe even a promdress. i'm still debating on
whether or not to go. he can't go, he has soccer. surprise.
not. and since michelle will be with her usual crowd and
mary will be with her usual crowd, i'll be by myself in the
corner. i'm trying not to set myself up for a bad time, i
might be surprised and have a good time, but i might not.
i'm trying to figure out if i want to risk that or not.
i'll check out dresses anyway today, just to see. and i'll
get some stuff for my trip too. i'm worried about next
week. trip number one. arkansas. with just my dad and my
brother. i haven't been on a trip with just them in two
years. i've grown up a lot. found out some new things about
myself. a lot of new things. it's going to be rough and i
can't cut in the car, not right in the middle of
everything. i'll freak out. it's gonna be my test of

i'm praying to stay together. i don't want a breakdown. a
meltown. i'm nervous. anxious. what if? what if? what if?

god my body is so sore. i had a rough time sleeping last
night. now my head is buzzing. what if? i don't want ot be
this person anymore. i hate me. why can't i be someone
else? someone a little less broken?

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