2004-04-09 03:02:06 (UTC)

baby i cant help you out while shes still around.

""""Listen, you are a wonderful person and you need to know
that. What these people are doing to you is wrong. You need
to get away from this girl. No matter how much it hurts you
need to becuase it is only getting worse and she is hurting
you more and more now and it really needs to stop. This
cant go on any longer. Please just step away from it all.
Give your body a chance to fucking heal.""""

i dont know who that is, it was anonymous. i have an idea,
but maybe not.

i need to have sex. seriously. it has been such an insane
amount of time since ive let anyone even touch me.
we 'tried' -hah makes us sound like a couple of 50 year
olds- a couple months ago, but i started crying and threw
up. the thought of being with him does nothing for me but
nauseate me. and i feel like a fucking bitch to say that,
and its really sad in one way, but gives me hope in another

the thing is. that she should tell me. if i say i can
handle it whatever it is, i think that i deserve to know.
im not being unreasonable. considering the number of
months ive spent confused and torn up, i think it would be
fair to let me know whats going on. because i expect the

but what is the worst. what do i fear? that shes lying to
me about it being a situation of convienience
or 'stability'? or that maybe shes not lying but that it
will change? that shes going to suddenly fall in love with
this piece of trash whos done nothing but stress her out
for like howeverfuckinglong? because as far as i know and
have seen, she was never incredibly happy in this whole
thing... and i know i wasnt the greatest in the end and i
made her unhappy, but i made her happy too and i love her
and i think that should be important.

but its not. its really not.

i understand that shes too stressed to have time for me or
even think of me. but thats fucked up enough, that should
tell me something.

still, i deserve to know whats going on. because maybe it
would help me. because i know, im realizing that this,
whatever stupid thing i thought we could do, its very
nearly if not already over.

and im starting to think that i am better than this. i am
not the person i used to be, i may be crazy but i am a
loving caring person and im better than diana and im better
than the whole situation.

something bad is happening, ive been having chills all
night. that never happens to me.

it would be unrealistic, knowing myself, and knowing how
intense the feelings i have are, to say fuck her, im not
going to see her anymore. because i cant do it. and
particularly not when i see her twice a week.

but she has had a really long time to think about this and
figure out how she feels and what she wants. and the
semesters over in less than three weeks. and at that
point, this will be over for me. if shes still sleeping in
the same bed as that cunt, i will NOT see her for as long
as it takes me to get past it and move on.

im making a promise to myself right now.

ive been the other girl before. and ive spent too much of
my time crying and drinking and wanting to die.

and as rational as this all sounds, its so much easier said
than done.

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