misanthropeerin

Just a little me
2004-04-07 03:03:29 (UTC)

tyler

He acts different than the rest of them. It's a nice
change of pace, but it's not what I need. I could be
erased from the scene and another girl could be drawn in.
Press play. The outcome would be the same. I barely speak.
I do not influence the outcome. I am there to look a
certain way and respond to everything. He is so gentle.
Several times he tells me he misses me. I believe him, but
I do not feel special. It's not important if he misses me.
I am only bored. He is filling my time. I am filling his
agenda. He says it's good to just relax with someone,
especially someone he hasn't seen in awhile. That is my
speciality. I am wanted because I'm not always there.
Everytime he sees me it feels like forever has slipped
away in just a couple of months. I look appealing to him.
He wants to hold me, to caress me, and tell me that he
misses me. It would be a more bland routine if I was
around all the time. I'd become cheap and annoying. Now, I
am quiet. He tells me I'm being shy. I tell him I don't
like the way they have been treating me. He doesn't know
how much he has hurt me. I lead him to believe everything
is fine now. I still remember tears shed over him. He was
hurtful. He remembers when I cried. He tells me I had pent
up frustration. I know that's not what happened. I tell
him I'm too emotional and that I let people affect me more
than they should. I don't mind leaving this time. The
hours don't matter. They could have been less. He touches
my face with the tip of his finger. He runs it over my
cheek and along my jawline. It's the most gentle touch
I've ever felt. It's not what I need. He says I don't want
him to stop. He kisses my arm. No one is ever this gentle.
I think about Dylan as I drive home. I am never getting
better.




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