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2004-04-07 00:33:41 (UTC)

Effervescence of the Bottom of the Hole

RUT. We call it that. That point (or several of them) in
our life that we so despair within, that we so cry to.
Imagine that. I hate turning into what I hate. I hate
turning into an adult. I hate being close-minded. I hate
everything. And I know that when I'm 20-something, I'll be
even closer. I will always try and think of things from
all perspectives, always, forever. Never will I be one-
sided, and pray whomever lies above that it may become
true. I am here. What do I do? Afraid to move, afraid of
everything. What should I do? I don't want help from
anyone anymore, I don't want to live with anyone anymore,
I don't want to rely or be burdenous to anyone anymore...

...but chances are, I will be, for a little while longer,
at least. I know I'm not ready. Iron-tail Fratley said it
best when he said "The road is wide open while our dreams
are still alive. Only fear blocks the path." Why does it
seem so deathly true, and yet, I cannot take his advice?
It's so difficult. And I've dug myself into a hole that
way. Some Christian church's billboard said 'Want to get
out of that hole? Then stop digging.' Again, so true to
me, but I simply can't take the advice. Why? Because I'm
too afraid. And then we get back to Fratley's quote.

I'd pray to whomever who guarantees I can be changed if
they may help me, but none of them do it, so I sit here,
relying on nothing for help, and everything for support.
I'm not helping myself, but even so, I'm certainly not
even trying. Maybe, moreso here than before, but still not
enough. Thai said to do those things, and although I've
tried and looked, I want to give up already, believing
that there is nothing for me out there. Which is another
thing I've got problems with. Rationalising, skepticism.
Those things, bred in me since very young, are so hard to
change, and they're what keep me from doing anything. I
know if I possessed no fear nor skepticism, and I tried as
hard as I can sometimes, I can do anything, and I know
it's true. I have a great ability of endurance and
cleverness, and they are only put to use in my art. Merely
only because I finally realised I can draw and I couldn't
care less what anyone else thinks, less they're hiring me
and want something specific.

And the sad part is, I know all this. I know my problems
like a sadistic, petty book. And I read them continuously,
knowing every crevice and every nook, and every reaction
to an action.

And I do nothing about it.

Which would bring me back to the top of this entry.

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