Angelic One

Sorry for My Mistakes
2004-04-06 02:50:52 (UTC)

What Didn't I Do?

This week I almost became the worst friend in history.
Ryan was in town and him and I hadn't seen each
other in a couple of years. Naturally when I found out he
was here I immediately became concerned about how Shannie
would react because sometimes she gets weird when he;s in
town and I was afraid that him being here might stir up
some of her angery feelings towards him. What I didn't
realize is that him and I would spend almost all of his
time here together. Considering neither of us are welcome
with the "in" crowd and I am struggling with finding
people to spend my time with besides Adam (who by the way
is ultimately driving me insane). We really spent most of
our time drinking and talking about everything from our
old friends to the sexcapades we've had over the past few
years. He had a pretty good laugh when he heard about
last years scandals and I had a pretty good laugh when I
found out he rarely has sex over in Guam because the
pickings of women are too slim. It was refreshing to me
for him and I to not only be civil with each other, but to
ultimately get along well enough to spend almost every day
together. Howevere about a week in... things took a
bizarre turn.
You see somewhere in the catching up, and the reminiscing
we started to get along too well. As confusing as it was,
I thought I was having feelings for him, because it had
been so long since I was able to connect with someone on
such a close basis. One of the nights he stayed over he
rolled over in the middle of a dead sleep and put his arm
around me. I hesitated before I rolled him off of me,
because I wanted him there. That night I just kinda layed
there and I couldn't sleep, I couldn't believe I was
feeling that way. What the fuck? Mac and I barely even
like each other better yet, I like him in that way??? The
idea of it freaked me out, just realizing I MIGHT have
feelings for him, made me feel bad. I pushed it aside
though because I knew nothing would ever come of it,
Shannie means too much to me, I would NEVER do that to
her. The next night though the situation worsened. Mac
tried to kiss me, and I found myself wanting to kiss him
back, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do
it, even though I thought I had feelings for him I
couldn't do it. He told me he had feelings for me, that
he had tried to hold it back, but he didn't want to
anymore, he said Shannie would never know, and that it
could be a secret. I knew though that I would know, and
that was more than I could bare. When he left to go back
to Guam I just hugged him really tightly and said good
bye, he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek and I even
feel guilty for him doing that.
I miss him. Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I'm just
vulnerable and he came along at the wrong time. I just
don't know. The only thing I'm thankful for, is that I
didn't do anything, I didn't kiss him I didn't touch him,
I just let him go. He's called me everyday since he went
back, we just laugh and talk. He told me he wants me to
move to Colorado and live with him when he goes to CU, he
even wants to fly me out to Guam to visit him. I won't do
it, part of me wants to, but I would never allow myself to
ruin my friendship with Shannie. She is my best friend,
she is the one who has stood by me through thick and thin,
and for that, I can't ever turn my back on her, no matter
what "feelings" I might have.

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