amazing

fallen
2004-04-05 08:04:04 (UTC)

damn. I just typed an assload of stuff and lost it!

That sucked. I was ranting about bullshit anyway. Saw
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Killer movie, I
say. Made me laugh, get teary eyed, and think about the
situations in my own life involving relationships.


I don't wanna make anymore stupid decisions so I am going
insane. I am thinking I should stop thinking altogether.
Fuck. I hate making decisions. I think all these mo-fo's
that are telling me that I should have a plan may not have
a clue. Everything seems scattered and unruly to everyone
else but myself. To be frank, the only time I feel
confused is when I try putting it all together to form a
sequence of events. Uh-oh. I'm truly fliggin insane.
I've come to several conclusions about my happiness. I
like to wing it. I'd prefer not to have a destination. I
am against limitation. Yet, I remain stable. Or so it
seems. A couple years ago, when I came back to PA from NYC
(I lived in NYC in a diagnostic group home for 9 months
because that's where they send you when you are a ward of
the court system and you have no "proper" living
arrangement) some of my friends said I changed. i wasn't
the lively,carefree, impulsive freak that i use to be.
After being in a confined atmosphere for several months
being monitered and all, I started to withdraw into my own
psyche to sort of take on all the the crap that happened to
me. I think I was on the brink of insanity a few times. I
think I kinda lost myself a little. I admit I was truley
afraid to be myself because I didn't want anyone else to
call me a problem child. I was brainwashed for a while to
believe that I was fucked up because I lashed out at the
many injustices I was dealt. I was (as paranoid as it
sounds) set up my by own family to be viewed as such. It's
a long long story, that I will eventually write about. All
in all, my life was a fucked up wreck and I'm glad I fled
and I'm even glad that I have been generously rewarded the
time and the rent free livin' to think and to relax. Now,
i say my mind is tired. I just wanna live for a while and
only think about filling my life up. I don't fear
working. I just loathe working in an environment where
there is no creative stimulation. If I have to, then I
will be as creative as I possibly can. Normally that does
result in me getting annoyed quick because for some odd
reason most places I work want to be all serious. I
wonder: have they ever thought that you can have fun while
working? Seriously. I wish I had some jalepeno peppers
right now. and some olives. Hey modest mouse isn't bad at
all. You know what I hate suspense! I really do. It
makes me all lock jawed.




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