Ad 0:
2004-04-05 07:26:24 (UTC)

Why bother

What reason do I have to consider any notion Misty may
have about loving me? Didn't I always say actions spole
louder than words?

Ceolia is the only reason I even talk to her now. Do I
wish things went differently? Of course I do, but that
doesn't change the fact that I was told I was not loved
and not wanted. It doesn't change the fact that
everything I had to go through since has been completely
ignored by her, unless there was an angle where the things
that happened to me could be turned against me.

I offered my entire future, and I got abandoned. I was
left to a lease alone that I could not afford. I even had
to fuck another girl who didn't care for me at all just to
avoid sleeping in the streets for a month, and in the end
Misty just used that against me to justify sport fucking
some guy in her class. Hers was a choice - mine was not.
Sure, tell me I could have just slept in the streets -
through Hurricane Juan. Do I want to talk about these
things? NO - I don't even want to think about then - it
makes me ashamed, disgusted, and angry. I especially
don't want to talk about those things to the only person
who ever threw it in my face for her convienience - as if
knowing was a liberating thing that finally allowed her to
tell me that not only was I no longer loved, but that
someone else was sticking their cock into the womb I
wanted to make children in. That's just great.

I've made it too easy so far already for her to show me
that she loves me, and she doesn't try to show it. If I
try to forget all I had to go through as a result of being
abandoned, and forget how all those things were thrown
back at me to excuse her actions that further proved how
irrelavent I am - if I just ignore it all - like I have
been, and she doesn't even try to show me anything at all
to prove that she has changed and cares, then how could
she ever try against the current of all the damage she
caused me?

That is confusing to look at? If she doesn't try when I
don't mention how bad my consequences of her actions were,
surely she would not try if I did. Like a salmon - if it
isn't strong enough to swim in a calm river, how could it
ever handle swimming upstream?


I found her in the beginning and I got a "who the fuck are

I called her first.

I kept in touch

I accepted that she had someone else's child when it could
have been mine.

I pursued her when I couldn't wait any longer.

I drove the distances despite time or weather to see her.

I tried for half a year to bring her back despite her
emotional butchery of me.

I considered her words when she came back recently to say
she loved me again

but those are just words

no action
I see no attempt being made
I don't even care that she just wants time off away from
Ceolia while I'm in Halifax.
Ceolia loves me and means it. What better way could I
possibly spend the time. I should be thankful that she
didn't even suggest "all three of us" hang out - I might
have thought she was geniunely considering a "family"
outing. She can go off with whoever she wants, whereever
she wants, as she already said she intended to. I don't
need fake hopes. To me, that is action, or at least
honest intention - and it speaks louder than words. I'm
just a babysitter - and I say fine, I wouldn't have it any
other way.

I'll probably get flamed because of this diary entry,
maybe even shown to people to make me seem mean to other
people. I don't care. What part of this opinion hasn't
been earned the hard way?