alexvito

Alex Vito
2004-04-05 05:48:02 (UTC)

Heavy

My fingers feel heavy on the keyboard as I wonder how to
put all of this in here. Kate is on my mind. Wait a
minute, I keep looking at what I'm typing, I guess trying
to see if it looks ok. I just need to type and not look
back. So he're's my disclaimer, if there's any typos,
sorry. Why should I care anyway, who's going to read
this, and why should I care. SO kate, I almost feel like
writing this whole thing to you, but I can't decide, so
I'll just let it out as it comes, and if it's hard to
understand, I'm sorry. I felt moore sure that breaking up
with you was the right thing to do this time than the
last, but now I feelless sure, mucch less, that it was the
right thing to do. I'm terrified that I made a big
mistake. I realized a couple days ago that I broke up
with you during one of my bad times, I get in them
sometimes. I just get really down on myself,
underconfident, undermotivated, and generally depressed.
It gets hard for me to do hings, and I just get by doing
the bare minimum, and sometimes not even that. Like
today, After Kevin left, I started sanding my gas tank,
but got bored, or whatever I got, andjust settled for
watching tv instead. I wattched for hours..My biggest
concern is this: i shouldn'thave broken up with you, I I
should have been more willing to work on this,. But then
I run into the question of what amount of work is too much
to put into a relationship. I never want to make you feel
like you're not ;worth; the extra work, because I know
that you are. I just worry that thre comes a point where
i'm changing too much about who I am to be with you. I
don't want you to have to be shorted on your end. I want
you to be getting the real deal too. At the same time I'm
wondering if it's just a result of my lack of ong term
relationship experience. I care about you whether you
believe me or not. Sometimes I nkow I can be absent
minded about shwing you that I do, but other times I know
I do an awesome job. There's this person in me that wants
to make every allowance I can for you because I know if
anyone deserves it you do. I never forget what you've
been through. Bet there it is again, the question of how
much change is too much change. when do you stop dating
alex vito? No one has accepted me like you have before,
and I don't know if anyone ever will. But is it because
you would accept anyone like you do me? There's no doubt
in my mind thatyou are a very special girl. But there is
a question of how exactly. You are funny. You get along
with my sense of humor like almost no one else. All the
wierd little things I do that would probably make other
girls stop calling me, you join in on the fun.. Like
twitching in bed. I twitch in bed. I normally get self
conscious and just pretend I was moving around. But
with you, I just make a joke out o fit and twitch myself
silly. Crapping my pants? You'll all for it. You even
got me clean underwears to boot. by the way, I did shit
on the chair that morning. I couldn't bear to tell you
that I did. It was gross. I'm so lost in my thoughts.
They seem to just be going in circles. Should I have been
more willing to work with you? Was I right when I decided
that you got mad for reasons I did not agree with. Did I
not share my emotions with you enough? Should I have been
more open with my feelings about the relationship? One
thing I am upset that we never did was spend liess time
together. I know it sounds silly, but I felt like we both
knew that we should. Just thinking now, you were so
easygoing, you never really got upset about things unless
it was about how you felt. Is that good? I can't
decide. Is that a statement of the obvious? I just feel
like that was the only time you got upset with me. That
sounds like it would be so good. Something just doesn't
seem right about it tho. I switch back and forth on
whether it's you I'm not compatible with or it's just me
weing odd, wierd, stubborn, or whatever it might be. Are
you being too picky, or am I just unwilling to give? It
made me so happy that one night at my house when I gave
you that full body massage and made you feel gorgeous,
wonderful, sexy, and loved. I knew I had done a good
thing. I was proud of myself for making someone else feel
so good. Maybe I'm afraid you will forget the individual
things I do for you. Is that bad? Is it better to be
seen for each thing that I do, or overall as a good guy?
Does that make any sense? I'm too afraid of being that
guy. I wonder what was going on when I didn't kiss you
that night behind wilsbach. I didn't want to offend ward
and that other lady. I don't want people thinking bad
things about me. I'm a big hypocrite when it comes down
to it. I pick certain people and decide that I care what
they think. I admit, sometimes the reasons I choose
aren't the greatest, and sometimes close to the worst,
ones possible. It's like I have these 2 people inside
me. One person wants to do everything that other people
want him too. But the other one wants nothing less than
perfection when it comes to morals, doing the right thing,
and not succumbing to pressures around me that will do
nothing but distort the views that will end up shaping my
actions. I've been trying for years to 'find myself' and
doing things for myself. I've had some success, but i
don't feel like much. What have I decided on for who I
am? Well lets see, who is alex vito. I really don't like
how negative my outlook on things can be. I know that
almost always when I figure out, or think i've figured
out, why someone is doing something, i think it's a bad
reason, that it's just their attempt to make up for some
weakness they have, some inner issue that needs to be
satisfied. and they shouldn't do it, they should just get
over their issue and not do that quirky thing that they
do. I often attribute things other people to them
thinking that doing something will make other people think
they're 'cool.' That's projection for ya. I do that
constantly. I'm so ashamed to admit it. I jump up and
down about how other people shouldn't do it. but there I
am, turning my music down when I drive through a busy
street so other people won't think I'm doing it to be
cool. I think a lot of people do play their music loud to
attract attention and because they think other people
think they're cool. I think a lot about other people. To
be honest, I think a lot about what they think of me, and
if they think well about me. I need to cut the shit and
just live. I don't try and please everyone, I try to
please those random people who each represent something
that I want in some way to satisfy some need I have. Hm,
i never though of it that way. Everyone whose opinion I
care about has something that I like. It may be as petty
as looks, but to be positive about myself for once so far,
I do admire hard work. Dedication is not something I
consider myself to have a lot of, so when I see someone
dedicated to something worthwhile, I am quite envious.
Although I'm not entirely sure of the criteria I use to
pick these random people, I have a sinking feeling the
majority of them are not people the 'good' side of me
would approve of. Again, on a positive note, I am very
well aware of the habits, and I know that I could be happy
without them. I could not, however, be happy without my
good side. I know that it is more of who I am than the
one I don't like. It just seems to hang on and not go
away. I feel like part of me is stuck at 16 years old or
something. I know damn well what I should be doing all
the time. I know that fun is ok to have, and there's good
fun and bad fun. I also know that there are plenty of
times that work is the thing that needs to be done. I
also know that there's a whole bunch of stuff in life that
is boring, irritating, monotonous, and downright seemingly
the dumbest thing ever. All that crap has to be done
tho. Yet sometimes I just can't do it. My brain weasles
the rest of me out of using a variety of tactics.
Distraction, fatigue, Katie, sometimes just saying,
whatever, it'll get done later. Guess what, a bunch of it
just never gets done. Then there's the stuff I don't want
to deal with because in some sense I'm not proud of myself
for doing it. Like this balance transfer on my credit
card. I don't want to go do it and look at what I've
done. I'm in debt enough as it is. facing it is not what
I want to do. My debt is definitely a skeleton in my
closet. I'm not good at dealing with money, and I spend
more than I make. No good. I don't even want to talk
about it now. So back to you katie. You are more
important to me than those other people. I know you are.
There's no doubt whatsoever in my mind that you are. When
I broke up with you, I was at one of those times where I
felt like I was losing control. Do you ever get times
like that? That's another reason I wonder if I did the
right thing. I don't feel like I was in 'sound mind' when
I did it. I feel like I had reason enough to. But now
I'm stuck with the question of whether I should have
stayed. To be honest, some of those things I did that
made you mad I agreed with you that I shouldn't have done
it. When I didn't call you and I was bowling, I should
have. I'm sorry. It would have been the courteous thing
to do. I apologize. I do hold my ground on the whole
good-morning thing tho. I think you made too big a deal
of it. I still wonder what it would have been like if we
saw each other less. I read somewhere that after a couple
has been together for a while, sex dates are appropriate.
Sex should not be a nightly thing, it should be planned.
Write it on our planners, make it an event. Get candles
and music, (I liked it a lot when we had sex to led
zeppelin), don't have sex be somethign that happens every
night. After writing that, I realize that once again, I'm
a hypocrite. I always said less is more. But I wanted
sex all the time. Doesn't make sense. I really liked
those times we really made love. They meant more to me
overall than the other times. I'm not saying I didn't
like them, it's just that there were some times where
things just felt so special, so close. I didn't feel like
me, I felt like us. I liked that time in the kitchen when
I told you I wanted you us to come together, in each
others arms, and you said, oh my god you were romantic for
once. I guess I never realized until that point that I'm
not really very romantic. I feel better about the times
we have sex that I knew that YOU were happy, that I knew
that you really felt special because of what I was doing.
That means infinitely more to me than wondering all the
time if I was making tose random people I picked out
happy. I knew I was making you happy, really happy. I
loved that. i hated myself when I felt as though I
pressured you into having sex when you didn't want to.
When we really made love, I never felt like that. When we
were at my house after we got back from the playground,
sitting in front of the fire, puzzing, feeling close,
feeling special, that didn't lead up to sex, it led up to
katie and alex having making love. It was turning me on
that I was making you that happy.
Wow, so i don't think i've ever just talked (typed) like
that. You were right about not telling you how I was
feeling enough. I hope you'll understand me better. I
feel like I can compare this to a few of your yournal
entries where you let out some of those things about
yourself that you aren't particularly proud of. The co-
dependency one, and that one that I inspired about
the 'worlds best security
systems' are 2 of them. You know what, as much as I hate
mike's away messages, not to mention josh and andrea's,
I'm kind of envious that they can just do it without
caring what people are going to think. Maybe it never
crossed their minds that it was odd. As much as I don't
like to hear myself say it, i treated you differently
around other people because I didn't want them to think
that I was being too touchy feely, or ignoring them. It
was dumb. Why would ignore my loving girlfriend and pay
attention to them? I know I've told you, I've always
hated when other people are all into each other and don't
pay attention to other people around them. Would it have
been different if we didn't spend so much time together so
when we did, I could devote it to you? I think it would
have been. I have learned a lot about myself during those
11 months with you. You've given me a lot of experience.
Good experience. I hope that you talk to me after you
read this. This is not a plea to get back together. I
want you to understand me better, maybe it will give you a
little peace of mind. I hope it helps. I want to talk to
you. I hope you're doing ok.




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