amazing

fallen
2004-04-03 11:24:08 (UTC)

still here and the sun is coming up

"I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried
underneath...I was the one worth leaving."

So I decided that I'm going to leave this place. I am.
There is nothing left for me here that interests me. It
gets old and so do I. My soul has been beat down long
enough. Everything that I dream is ultimately getting me
closer to my destiny. First stop. Ohio. I've given up on
the bullshit aspect of planning. i should LISTEN when
someone tells me something important. This guy that I've
been trying to get together with forever is my savior of
sorts. He tries to play it off like he's a self centered
fucker but in actuality he's not too different from
myself. I try masking my emotions and eventually, I have
to let it out. The worst thing that could happen has
alreeady happened so I have no fear of any situation that
comes my way whether it's an insult or getting my heart
broken again. I'm not afraid of digging deep. I'm not
afraid of loving or living. I am definitely not afraid of
starting a new chapter because each chapter that I begin is
the end of another. It's a cycle of completion or
something. I am forever observing the way people live
their lives and I've come to all sorts of realizations
about all sorts of things. I was sitting on the train
today and this old black woman was grilling everyone on the
train. She was wearing mostly white and she had the
meanest look on her face and she looked at me while i was
looking at her and I watched the expression on her face
change. It was so beautiful. She looked so afraid and
then I looked right into her eyes and smiled and I could
tell it had been a while since she smiled because her mouth
did this weird thing and you know when a person is unhappy
cuz their wrinkles sag....well anyway it was strange to
watch her. I hope it woke up a part of her that she needed
to be awakened. Those moments are what I live for. The
memories that really count. Emotion is a powerful thing.
However it is expressed. I use to have this huge dillema
trying to figure out what way I should focus on expressing
my ideas about emotions (including my own). Singing,
making music, taking pictures, painting, writing, I can
express different feelings with all of them. I am gifted.
I thank the universe or whatever controls all of this for
blessing my soul. I had a hard time coming to that
realization all throughout my life because of course
because my family without really realizing it, tried to
shoot me down and ever time I fought to keep it alive, I
was somehow punished. I remember being in 1st grade and
the teachers told my mom that I was in the "gifted" program
and she was so proud. I think she is still proud. I love
my mom, she did the best she could and she's still kicking
ass. I hope I get to spend more time with her.
Onto other things, I like beer. Tasty beer. i use to hate
it cuz i was drinking bud light or coors or something
nasty. Unforntunately I never remember the names of some
of the most delish brewed beers. "The sun will heat the
ground under our bare feet" I love this album. It reminds
me of when I fell in love with this guy that I barely
know. It's weird cuz originally I was ga-ga over his
friend and that kinda died and the rest is kinda weird. He
got me going one nite on some beautiful shit and I haven't
recovered yet. Normally, I "fall in love" and it doesn't
last very long. The intrigue dies down or whatever, but
this guy keeps me guessing, he keeps me alert and he's
gotta be more awesome in real life. I almost cried cuz of
one sentence he wrote. It was so real and so honest and
full of sensation. He's so cute too. I could imagine him
in flipmode in real life. I'd probably laugh hysterically
and he'd tell me to shut the fuck up and I'd still think it
was adorable. What a retard. I'm tired of smoking. It's
so disgusting. My teeth are gonna rot outta my head and
that won't be cute at all. Damn this is getting long. The
highlight of my day will be my shower and sleep. I'll then
end up writing up that personal essay for OCAC. I hope I
can get there. For some odd reason, I was thinking about
doing woodworking rather than photography for now. I guess
cuz I wanna design some crap like furniture and stuff to
sell to rich people so I can build my own darkroom and have
my own art studio and all that jazz. That's the only thing
I ask for in life. A place to do my art. Yup. A
warehouse would be awesome. I'd throw lots of parties and
have secret meetings. There goes my imagination again. I
convince myself that it is perfectly normal to imagine
great things. The more I think about it, the closer I get
to making it a reality. Damn. I'm sleepy. I keep
thinking that this umbrella is a limb. Oh no! The brown
leg in the back of the school bus! HA.




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