Angelic One

Sorry for My Mistakes
2004-04-03 06:24:21 (UTC)

Abandoned

Recently, I had feelings of abandonment. I thought the
people in my life didn't care what happened to me, and
that they didn't really want to hear about my problems.
My therapist says that I shouldn't talk too much about my
problems because that will push people away, and the best
thing I can do for myself is to write out my feelings. Go
figure, my therapist basically told me to shut up and be
happy.
I've tried meeting guys to help me get over Bill, but the
only people I keep finding are guys who wanna fuck me.
Not to mention finding guys with weird deformities, and
lack of control of their bodily functions. Funny how I
have about 10 new guys in my phone, who call every weekend
(while I'm out meeting new guys) and tell me I'm the
greatest thing since beer. I even had a guy ask me to
marry him last weekend. See I have all these people who
want me, yet I still feel alone. I miss the closeness of
a relationship, I miss knowing someone is gonna be there
when I have a bad day. I used to think I wasn't a
relationship person, now I know that I am, but I can't
find guys who want a relationship. These guys I date are
just fillers anyways, I'll find a real man someday.
I'm not just trying to fill the gap of Bill though, I'm
trying to fill the gap of all the people I miss in my
life. Its weird, because I even miss people I didn't even
like, as hard as it is to admit, I miss people like Ryan
and John, because they were a part of my life just like
the others. I still find it hard to believe that I'm such
a horrible person that they just fucking ditched me. Rob
said that him and Candi think I'm two faced. Well, what
do I say to that? Okay well, if thats the way they feel I
can't change it. Nobody even gave me the chance to change
anyways, they didn't try talking to me first, they just
decided they hate me and never talked to me again. Thanks
for the faith guys, glad to see you give a fuck about me.
Mary asked me if I was suicidal the other day, I
said, "The only thing that makes me think about dying, is
when I wonder if any of them would even care if I died."
She said thats normal but if I start thinking about it
more, then I need to talk to her about it. Its the truth
though, I bet they wouldn't care. If they could just stop
talking to me, hanging out with me, and being a friend to
me overnight, then why would they give a damn if I was
dead or alive?? I would never kill myself though, but if
an act of God were going to kill me at some point in my
life I'd wish for it to happen now. I don't know how they
can do it... Not a day goes by for me which I don't stop
and wonder if Matt's doing alright, or if Candi's family
is well, or if Rob's job is still going good. I can't
stop caring, I don't know that I ever will. That's the
hardest part. I always cared about them, I hoped they
knew that, but I guess they didn't. I thought if I cared
enough about them it would be returned, I was wrong. I
still can't believe Candi thinks I never liked her. That
was the most shocking thing I heard through all this. If
she would give me the time of day now, or if I could turn
back time, I'd tell her how much I cared, how much I
wanted us to be better friends, I just never realized she
actually felt that way.
There's been a lot of times in my life where I've been
selfish, I thought too much about myself and not enough
about those around me. There's been times in my life
where I could've done more and I didn't, times when people
needed me and I wasn't there. Hindsight is a bitch, and I
am paying the price. They didn't abandon me, I abandoned
them. I'll be sorry about it the rest of my life, and it
will follow me through all my future friendships. As
alone as I feel now, I can't imagine how it felt to them
for me to hurt them, if only I had known I was hurting
people I could've done something, I could've changed it, I
could've saved my friendships. I have compared this to
losing Steph and Robbie 4 yrs ago, which still looms in my
mind all the time, I can't imagine how long it will take
me to stop making myself suffer for these people I hurt.

They didn't abandon me, I abandoned them


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