friggie7779

Tales of a frigniggit
2004-04-02 11:36:54 (UTC)

How things turned out since last time

Well, I did call up Infonxx, and I did schedule an
appointment.

Then I decided not to go, and I didn't.

The reason being?

Well, it all came back to me on the night before I went in
for my interview- just exactly how miserable I was at AOL,
and how badly I was fucking up there, almost constantly. I
was almost grateful when I got fired. Bearing all that in
mind, I realized that getting back into a similar job was a
bad idea not only because I would hate it, but because I
would probably start sliding back down to where I was last
September. And that I never want to go through again, if I
can help it. Right now, things are not great, I don't like
my job that much, but it's a helluva lot easier to deal
with than a call-center job would be. Guess it's just how
my personality is structured. Maybe someday I'd be able to
do that job and be able to bear it most of the time, but
not right now. But not to worry though- I haven't been
totally idle on the jobhunt front. I applied over at Circle
K yesterday. Still too early to know what's gonna happen
with that, but seeing as how I have almost a year in
convenience store experience, I think that they'll at least
give me an interview. One can only hope.

As for my mom, she's out of the hospital. She seems to be
ok, if in pain, so she's taking it easy. They didn't find
any more cancer in her breast, but there may still be some
lurking about, which was why they took it off. Well, at
some point she can always go back in for reconstructive
surgery, so her loss is not permanent. That's always good.

Been thinking a lot lately about the kind of friends I
have. I am grateful to any person who is wanting to be my
friend, but I'm not too sure if these people are truly all
that good to have around in the long term. It's not that
they're bad people. They are basically good people, but
with a lot of problems that put them in a bad situation.
That isn't what makes me think twice about being around
them. The thing is whenever they get really upset,
depressed, or whatever, they always turn to some sort of
drug to make themselves feel better. And I have been doing
the same thing too, most often with them. Not until lately
have I truly been feeling that this is a terrible idea-
before I was all too willing to toke up, drink up, whenever
we got together. But certain things have become a little
too obvious lately- it makes me a stupider person the more
I do this stuff. And I've done quite enough stupid things
to last me three lifetimes- and more while I was on drugs.
I don't want to continue down this path. I am tired of
sobering up, and realizing what I did, and slapping myself
in the face. Not only that, but Circle K does drug tests as
part of the hiring process, and if I want to get hired, I
must pass those tests. So therefore, I need to try and back
away from drugs, and if this means that my friends will no
longer be as close to me, then so be it. I hope that they
understand, but I don't really know for certain. I would
like them to realize that many of their problems are
exacerbated, and a lot of times caused, by their drug
dependencies, but as they are young, I don't feel that they
will just yet. Perhaps they must learn a painful lesson
first before they will. Certain circumstances that have
arisen lately should have done the trick, but still they
smoke and drink. Well, I need to stop. Or at the very least
cut back, at least with alcohol, but I must certainly
refrain from pot use.

Hmm. It's very hard for me to follow ultimatems, especially
those prescribed by myself, so there is a good chance that
I will eventually start up old habits again. There's no
real way to be sure, except just by trying. Tomorrow will
be the first test. If I pass that, then the next day will
be the next. And then the next day. Plus, there are people
I must apologize to for my actions while on drugs, and see
if perhaps that may help.

Well, time will tell. It always does.

I'll keep you posted.




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