polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-04-02 04:26:44 (UTC)

taking time

i am taking the time now to recap things i have previously
NOT taken the time to record. last weekend was not
horrible. i stayed busy pretty much the whole span of two
days. mall, movie, boyfriend's house, the cliche teenage
girl weekend and while i strive to fight the cliche
universe i sometimes cannot help being sucked into some of
the minor black holes.

tuesday and wednesday i took part in a mock legislature,
which was all peachy except for the undeniable fact that i
was seconds away from lining up every other participant and
slapping them all in one swift movement. they were all from
private catholic schools. i am protestant. 'nuff said there.

today i got back to school after a two day hiatus and
functioned on what sleep i could gather in class. i did not
have the strength to walk, so i hobbled and propped my body
against lockers. i am the epitome of a pathetic specimen. i
had shit loads of work to do and the only time to do it in
was the time i spend to sleep normally. erego i am a cranky
bitch right now. my eyelids are weighed down.

i just came from a choir concert i did. it was really
beautiful, but half the time i wasn't thinking about the
music that was washing over me. my mind was miles away. and
then i saw him. he was standing in the very back, leaning
against the wall in baggy pants and a gray t-shirt. i
hadn't seen him since elementary school, and he hasn't
changed a bit. he didn't notice me, of course (like he ever
did...), and watched the choirs. i kept turning around and
making sure he was still there, also keeping in mind i am
with the greatest guy ever, but he was so cute and i hadn't
seen him in so long...after the concert i walked to the
back. i opened my mouth to say something but my throat
caught itself. i didn't know WHAT to say. with that, he
turned around and smoothely strolled out the door. he
didn't even look back...and it broke my heart. but i
returned to instant messages from my guy, and all my
feelings for the t-shirt boy melted away. man. i used to
really really like that guy. i had dreams about him all the
time, and i was crushed when i found out that he liked my
friend. i haven't even talked to him since we saw eachother
at a party a really long time ago. even then it had been a
while and i never even said anything back. he talked to me
and all i did was smile. i'm pathetic. but i'm dealing with
it, and i'm --sort of-- happy with what i've got...lie

i feel bad now though. guilt? no. sorrow? maybe. longing?
yeah. but for what?

oh, and ha, this one is my favorite. i got ditched for
prom. innitially, i didn't want to go. no matter what
everyone said about a)it's going to be fun and b)they're
MAKING me go, i truly and honestly had no interest in
going. proms seem so stupid to me, i don't get a point.
until proms put an end to world hunger and war, i don't
care about them. but i was expected to go, and i hate being
expected to do things, but i couldn't exactly say no. and
now, surprise surprise, soccer has gotten in the way. he
has practice that night. and it's disappointing to me. as
much as i hated the idea of going, i was starting to get
excited. i was gonna go hunt for a vintage dress. and now
i'm wondering whether to find a friend of mine who wouldn't
mind letting me tagalong (pathetic) or just sit at home and
rent movies. i'm pushing more towards movies but i'll never
heard the end of it if i don't go. but i am strictly tired
of people saying that i'm lying, that i want to go and
everyone knows it, and that they're making me go. damnit, i
don't want to go. i didn't want to go in the first place
and i'm still not interested. i hate people thinking that
they know how i feel or telling me how i SHOULD feel.

my soul is whithering up. it's getting close to eleven, i
have useless facts about drugs to copy into a notebook, and
my entire cuerpa is quivering. i am so so sore. canoes will
soon be available in the large craters under my eyes. i
shall continue tomorrow, when i take the time to actually
analyze the meaning of things i say, things that happen
every day. right now, i'm shaking. my limbs are on fire. i
am too sleep deprived. it's unhealthy and before i go into
how fat i feel, i'm going to say screw the drug facts and
just go sleep.


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