Aaronius

Random Days
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2004-04-01 10:17:05 (UTC)

March 31/2004

DOWN AND OUT ------

Really, I don't know what it is these past few days that's
been keeping me in a dreary sort of mood. I'm not really
feeling sad per se, but more just uncaring and
unmotivated. I guess I just feel like life's beating me
down.

I've spent the past few days doing nothing. I've gone to
work, but that's just a thing that needs to be done in
order to live. Other than that, I've cleaned the house (as
per her queenship's orders) and sat around wondering what I
should do.

Nothing seems to really entertain me right now. I can't
concentrate on TV, Movies, Books, Video Games, anything
really. I get bored within 5 minutes of doing ANYTHING, so
I just wander to and fro in my house, from the television,
to a book, to the computer, and then to bed to lay down. I
don't really nap a lot during the day, but I do find myself
laying down and closing my eyes and thinking.

The problem is, I don't even think about things that I can
remember. I've just let everything I've thought about and
done in the last couple days slide from my memory, and I
don't know why. I just can't focus.

Perhaps I'm just stressed out beyond belief, which is
entirely possible. I'm not the sort of person who's good
at handling stress, and I can be bothered about the
silliest things sometimes. However, I can play the part of
a perfectly content person when I socialize with people, so
nobody really thinks "Hey, Aaron's kinda fucked up right
now."

I feel like I just want to lay down and never wake up again.

Ever since Curtis went into detox in september last year,
I've been trying to fix my life so that I didn't end up in
the same sort of position that he was in. I don't know
though, it seems like I'm constantly having to battle with
things that don't need to be battled with...

I think that's why I'll be glad when I go into the
military. A blank slate is exactly what I'm going to get
out of that, and that's entirely what I feel I need right
now.

In fact, as it stands right now, there's only one thing
from my life now that I want to for sure keep after life in
the military, and that's you tessa. I don't mean that to
sound so ominous/depressing/desperate, but it's just you're
really the only thing that I know is good in my life right
now. When I'm done my tour in the military, I can think of
reintegrating my family into my life, but I'm not sure I
will. I don't have many friends, a consequence of treating
people like shit all the time. Those that I do have, I try
to be as honest and as open as possible with them, but not
much is reciprocated. I don't know. I just feel alone.

Stupid fucking life, why couldn't you have been easy?

WHERE TO GO ------

I guess I'm just overexamining everything... I really need
to just focus on where I'm headed, and the solutions to my
problems.

It sounds so easy in theory...

I just need to sit down and sort some things out. I need
to focus on the positive aspects of my life, and stop
dwelling on all this shit that bothers me.

"Act happy, and you'll become happy"

That's bullshit. But the general idea is right. Focus on
the good solutions, but don't negate the bad things in your
life. Just figure out how to handle the bad things, and
make sure that they don't dominate.

Erg.

RANDOM TIDBITS ------

Thing I'm doing right now:
Typing in my journal.

Thing I'll be doing in five minutes:
Going to lay down in bed.

Thing I wish I'd be doing in five minutes:
Not being all mopey.

Song of the Moment:
Bile - Melas Chasm.mp3


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