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2004-04-01 02:56:52 (UTC)

this is unbearable. i was in..

this is unbearable.

i was in such an insane amount of pain all day at work, it
was coming over me in waves where i thought i was going to
end up on the floor staring at the ceiling any second, all
the while throwing up and blood pouring out of me... i'm
taking all my pills, including the darvacet even though it
makes me tired...

my mom got mad when i said i wasnt going to tan with her.
so i said okay, i'll go. maybe the heat would make it feel
better, like the heating pad that did nothing all day...

not until i get home scratching itching like i have poison
ivy or chicken pox or god knows what, do i read every
bottle i have to check to see if i wasnt supposed to drink
with it last night... no, but "avoid exposure to artificial
or natural sunlight."........ phototoxicity. nothing
could possibly itch like this its unreal its like tiny pins
pricking me all over while my uterus is fucking being
ripped out.

i cant even fucking handle this.

ive been laying here crying for 4 hours.

and my mother. gives me shit about how i better hope its
not inpatient surgery if i have to have it friday because
the familys coming....

im glad that thats what shes worried about.

'you should go to the er. thats what he said. but im not
sitting there all night.'

i cant go alone. i cant even fucking drive. and i cant
afford it. but god i swear to fucking god i cant handle
this i feel like im fucking dying and i cant relieve it no
matter what i do.

i wish she could come do something. if she was just here
it would help, when i was on the phone with her i could
handle it a little bit better, i just cant be alone and
matts like is there anything i can do, no, no theres not
unless you can get your sister over here... i wish somebody
could juts make this go away im going to fucking die and no
one knows or cares.