2004-03-31 21:26:05 (UTC)

feeling reflective

I've been looking back in my head
Thinnking of Misty for a minute, actually. Maybe because
Breezy was asking about her & I - I haven't heard the
phrase for a long time.
I can remember sticking it out through a lot of troubled
times, tantrums, being hit, etc, etc, etc (yes, I remember
watching the King and I). I can remember hitchiking
accross the province to see her graduate even if I was
unwanted and treated very coldly - not to mention left
behind in the first place. I even remember exclaiming how
I felt in the face of her openly rejecting me and telling
me about dating other people with a big smile on her face.

I'm not stuck on these, I remember lots of other things -
I guess I mention these because of what I don't see now.

I loved her then. It is the single thing that drove me to
try so hard. She recently MSN Messenger'ed me declaring
she loved me again, and I said I didn't feel inclined to
believe her.

I don't see any bravery coming out. I don't see her
telling me how she feels despite my indifference the way I
braved her much colder and more callous indifference shown
me. I don't see her trying at all. On a daily basis I
see she is online while I am - and I see and hear
nothing. You couldn't get me to shut up when these roles
were reversed. It just makes me feel more confident in my
opinion that it simply isn't true - and I'm affraid any
sudden attempts would feel faked now that I have brought
it up in my diary, which she's been known to read.

But I gave this a lot of time before I came here with
this, and I think that a few weeks of silence on the
matter is enough for me to start to draw conclusions.

I feel better getting this out though - I was almost
hoping she would have tried.

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I’m
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream