another moment of inebriated..
another moment of inebriated clarity.
i remember one time claudia telling me 'youre not as dumb
as you try to act.' maybe it was ashley. it doesnt matter.
im not. its easier to do what you WANT not what you should
do if you pretend you're too stupid to know the difference.
sebastien was right. if she hasnt left yet, its because
she doesnt want to.
i know this.
but i play the game for the moments few and far between
she'll give me.
it doesnt matter if she needs me, it doesnt matter if im
the one person who cares about her most, it doesnt matter
that shes unhappy and i could make her happy, that doesnt
matter. you cant change how you feel.
and she doesnt have to say anything, there is a reason shes
still sleeping next to that bitch and not me.
she might care about me in her own way. but she doesn't
love me. she doesn't feel how i feel. she enjoys the
feeling of being loved and wanted, just like every other
person on earth would or does. it has very little to do
with ME. just like my friends told me when we were
together, she was amused by my affection more than she was
interested in me.
it's no different now.
and the more time i spend trying to find reasons to
convince myself otherwise, the harder it will be in the
because im not an idiot. and id have to be an idiot to
think theres any hope for us.
she doesnt love me. she doesnt want to be with me. how
much clearer could it possibly be.
if i could remember this when im sober, maybe it would be
easier. but probably not.
for me, it will never be easy.
i love more than anyone else is capable of.