Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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2004-03-29 14:09:27 (UTC)

Having an ADD child

I know that I haven't written in here for awhile. It's
just that I have been having a difficult time dealing with
the decisions that I had to make. I also discovered
through this tough time who my friends were support-wise.
Last week my son's behavioral problems at school escalated
to violence. Minor violence (hitting another child with
his practically empty backpack), but violence nonetheless.
Then when a teacher approached him and talked to him about
it, his response was "I wouldn't kill him because I didn't
have a gun" from this he was sent to the lead principal's
office (he's already seen the two assistant principals this
year) to be talked to about being a bully to kids at
school. I have no idea where this came from! I didn't
raise my son to be this way! I totally broke down and
realized that this ADHD thing was getting worse, not
better, and if he was acting this way at school, how long
would it be before he did at home? What about his baby
brother who is only 11 weeks old? He can't defend
himself! I completely broke down. I cried and cried and
cried. I contacted his psychologist, got no response (even
to this day, almost a week later!), talked to my husband
(who supported me and told me how it wasn't my fault that
he is this way), and talked to his father (who told me not
to give up on our son totally and tried to talk to him). I
finally called his pediatrician and talked to a nurse
there. She talked to his doctor and we made an appointment
for the next morning.
The morning of the appointment, I sent the following email
to my closest friends and one of my brothers:
Alrighty ladies (and little bro)! I am asking that you
keep me (us) in your prayers today. Tyler's behavioral
problems have escalated to physical behavior and threats.
I, with a heavy, wounded heart, have scheduled an
appointment with his pediatrician today at 11:30 to discuss
our medical options.
It breaks my heart to do this, but things are getting worse
rather than better and I can't take a chance that he will
hurt someone or himself, much less the little one that is
now here. He was sent to the lead principal yesterday to
be talked to about being a bully to kids at school after he
told a teacher (after he hit another kindergartener with
his backpack) that he "wouldn't kill him because he didn't
have a gun."
I cried all last night and even cry right now as I write
this. I am ashamed as a parent that I have a child that
acts this way and I don't know why! We have tried
everything in the world to help him and I don't know what
else to do. I can sit here and wallow in my own self-pity
and blame myself for not being a good enough parent to keep
this from happening, or I could step up, swallow the bitter
pill of ADD/ADHD and put him on medication that hopefully
will help him to function better.
I have tried to understand (and continue to remind myself)
that this is something biological, that it is out of my
control. That I didn't do anything wrong, it's just the
way his brain is currently functioning, but it does not
make it easy to say that I am somehow not to blame. I feel
like I have failed somehow as a parent. Don, God bless
him, told me yesterday you were a single parent and you did
the best that you could! But somehow that doesn't make
this okay. Anyway, call it a reaching out to just say, I'm
hurting and I would just like to know that my friends and
family are pulling for me during this tough time.
Thank you so much and I love you all! Carolyn and the boys
From this, I received responses as simple as these:
Well, my heart and prayers are going out to. Just continue
to be STRONG and hang in there. Keep me informed with the
doctor appt. {this was from Tyees}
Hey, baby....I know what you're going through. Remember I
was recently divorced. It seems like you're the only
parent and you try to make this right...buying things,
going places (for the kids) sacrificing your own
happiness. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY....baby
keep the faith and know that God is putting you through a
test and you can come out of the storm. I don't think that
putting a child on medication will help solve a problem.
If you need someone to talk too please call me -------. I
will keep you in my prayers {this was from Ivory}
To one of the most surprising responses. I have not
been "friendly" with Melissa in probably close to 3 years
or more. Before that, there were four of us that were
practically inseparable, Ivory, Tyees, Melissa, and
myself. But when I left the agency that we were working
for, all of a sudden Melissa no longer wanted to associate
with me. Now we are trying to pull our group back
together, and when I sent this email, I included her and
here was her amazing response:
Carolyn,
I won’t even go there by saying I understand how you feel,
I am not a parent, but I put myself in your shoes and ask
myself, what if this were Joey? I know it’s very, very
hard not to blame yourself, but you have to remember and
understand that Tyler, as you have, has been through a lot
of emotional turmoil during these early years. In his
mind, his whole life has been uprooted. Joey was a little
older than Tyler was when my mom and his dad got a divorce,
but he is now almost 17 years old and he is still a very
angry and bitter child over it. The hurt and pain that he
saw and felt, he still lashes out in angry rages to this
day. YOU ARE NOT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN EVEN REMOTELY A BAD
PARENT and I can say that because I was there! You have
always been there for him, even when you were at your
lowest. I did not know that Tyler was ADD/ADHD. I have
friends who have 3 children out of 4 that are ADD/ADHD,
they tried without medication for awhile and things were
really bad. Not just for them, but it was an unhappy time
for the kids as well. Once they put them on medication,
they became happy kids, the kind of happy kids that we like
to see. They have medications now Carolyn that don’t make
these kiddo’s “zombies” anymore. But medication that truly
works. This is a chemical imbalance for Tyler, not bad
parenting. This is something that is out of his control,
and out of yours and Don’s control, he needs the help of
something that can set those chemicals right!
I hope that this has been of some help to you. Please know
that you and Don and the kids are in mine and Troy’s
thoughts and prayers! I am here if you need to talk, or
just cry. Going back to what I said in the first sentence
of all this, if it were Joey, I would cry until I couldn’t
cry anymore. But I would take this very hard step that you
have chosen to take today, you know Carolyn, it takes a
strong woman to make a decision like this, as hard as it
is, and that to me is GREAT PARENTING. Stop kicking
yourself, he will thank you later.
Like I said I am here if you need anything. Keep me posted
and let me know what the doctor says and what you all
decide to do! Love to you and your family, Melissa
Now, the only one that has not responded has been my
brother, which I am kind of surprised about. I guess he's
just too busy to check his email now that he got his big
promotion into management (despite his seizures, etc) at
his work. However, my best friend (even though she had to
go back to Canada) responded with this yesterday. Mind
you, she sent me to crying all over again. As I read it, I
just had tears streaming silently down my face.
hun you have my support 110%. i just wish i was there to
be by your side during this. whatever you need i'm here.
whether it be little notes of support, telephone calls in
the middle of the night - whatever you need. hell i'd hop
on a plane tomorrow if i could. you have always been here
for me when i needed you and you should know i'm here for
you and no matter how far away i may be you can alwayas
count on me.

as for what is going on hun don is right you did the best
you could. like you said this is something biological and
as a result there is nothing you did or didn't do to cause
this. as long as i have known you you have always had
tyler's best interests at heart and did whatever had to be
done to make sure he was provided for. he's an amazing
kid - i've seen it, he's just having a hard time right now
thats all. he will get thru this BEACAUSE you are such a
great and devoted parent not inspite of it. i know how
hard it is for you to even think of putting him on
medication. but if the medication is what he needs to lead
a healthy and productive life thats whats best for him. i
know its hard hun no one ever said life was easy but just
remember this - the lord only gives us what we can handle -
even though it may not seem like it at the time. god
blessed you with tyler because he knew that you and don
would be able to give him everything he needs and
appreciate him for the wonderful human being he is and
will be. god knew you were the best person for this
special child and in my opinion he was right. there is no
better parent for tyler than you. you are an amazing woman
and i hope that one day if i'm belssed with a child i will
be half the mother you are - cuz in my book you're one of
the best!!!!

i love you with all my heart and you are my very best
friend. whatever you need hun i'm here - day or night. no
matter where you go, what you do and what is happening for
you and your family know that i am up here thinking of you
and behind you all the way and i know that your family will
come out of this stronger than ever.

i love and support you with all i am

Cheryl
Well, now that I have completely bored everyone or made
them cry, I better run, I'll talk more about this
tomorrow. Thanks for allowing me to vent.
Carolyn


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