RazberrySwirlz

~*TwAnGdOoDlEz*~
2004-03-29 10:49:04 (UTC)

keep me busy, i guess.. not too sure.

I dont know exactly why I'm doing this... It probably
seems completely stupid to anyone else.. maybe just need
something to keep myself busy for the time. You have no
idea how much I want to cut into myself right now.. I
feel like everything in my life is spinning around me one
way, and im in the middle, slowly turning the opposite
way.. it's like i can almost feel the friction if it
against my body, against my soul. sometimes it hurts so
much. i cant even really explain it. I'm looking through
a website about SI. As i said earlier, im not exactly
sure why im doing this, but i'm going to cut and paste sum
things from some articles, maybe sum poems... sumthing
like that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though many believe that self-harm is one rung below
suicide on the ladder of self destruction this is often
not the case, in many cases self-harm is used as a way to
get a release - to relieve the pressures of life and to
push the thoughts of suicide away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The science of cutting explains the release. When some one
cuts (or burns etc) endorphins are released to mask the
pain. This rush of endorphins is what gives the relief
(and can cause the addiction of self-harm). For some on
the edge these chemicals released are the only thing that
pulls them back and stops them from ending their lives,
the way for them to release these chemicals is to cut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I would cut I would be so stressed, so aggitated, and
feel so overwhelmed and helpless, though for years the
only "feeling" I could identify was ANGER, I knew I was
angry and that I was very aggitated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time I used to cut I remember being clueless as to
what I was doing, it all felt and or seemed surreal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I not only cut, but I also self-abused in other ways. I
would pound my fist into brick walls, through walls in the
house, doors, windows etc. I also would hit myself with
bats or free weights etc in the arm or wrist or knee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Self-Injury is deliberately harming oneself as a coping
mechanism. It is caused by the emotional stress that the
person is incapable, for whatever reason, of dealing
with. for these people, Self-Injury is an escape, a way
to relieve numbness, and an expression of pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is sometimes mistaken for a suicide attempt, but this
is not the case.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The severity of the injuries increase as they get older -
starting off as fairly superficial wounds, leading on to
worse injuries that will require medical attention, even
though a lot of injurers will not seek it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People that self harm aren't 'crazy', they use SI as a way
to release stress and gain control over their bodies
because it's the only way they know that works for them.
It has been proven that when a person self-injures,
endorphins are released and it makes them feel better. It
is a coping mechanism that works, and that is why it is so
hard to stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Junkies live and die by their needle. I lived by my
blade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was pure empowerment. With blade in hand, I had
control over everything. I left this world. There was
only me, in my room, and I was God. I was in control of
my pain, my misery, and my life. But I wasn’t in control
of much else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cut. I winced. It hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cutting: 72 percent
Burning: 35 percent
Self-hitting: 30 percent
Interference with wound healing: 22 percent
Hair pulling: 10 percent
Bone breaking: 8 percent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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