Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-03-29 10:41:04 (UTC)

Discrete Exam

It's 508am. It's 40 degrees fahrenheit, at least according
to the website. But it's suppose to hit 67 later today. I
can only imagine that will mean, that I will have to start
thinking of new metaphorical things to say that will
reconcile how I feel with the weather. It's always so
comfortable sticking with the things you know, isn't it.

I'm a little uneasy. I have an exam today. Discrete
Mathematics. The first exam was pretty much a bomb, which
makes taking this one alot more important. That's not
entirely it though. I mean to say, ... the exam isn't what
entirely makes me uneasy. Something else bothers me, but I
don't really have the time to go into it right now.
Something I didn't think would bother me, but does. For
very confusing reasons. I sometimes ... sort of stop what
I'm doing and just sort of ponder it, not really realizing
that I am doing just that until I awake from my reverie. I
think maybe I will need to have a talk with her later
today, after my exam.

On an unrelated note, I am beginning to think maybe I
should not have mentioned those things about my father. I
mean, ... when I think of all the issues I had as a child,
I realize with a sort of painful reminiscence and a sort
of awful realization, that it could really and quite
literally take forever to sort through every single one of
those painful moments.

So I was telling Beth something the other day, about how
it would be ideal for children to go through a divorce in
order to develop a bit more emotionally tougher. At the
moment, I only half really believed what I said. It is
something I've pondered many times. On the one hand,
you're going to have some set of children who actually
might grow up a little tougher out of the experience. It
would weed out children not emotionally fit for survival.

Yet, there's something about it that repulses me.
Something that feels like this shouldn't be the natural
course of action. I mean, according to my theory then we'd
have to put children through physical labor to weed out
the ones not physically fit to survive. Then take those
and put them through all sorts of tests to only find a
higher level of fitness. And suppose we do finish. At what
cost do we have those that live through the experence
unscarred. I don't think they're going to turn out to be
artists that's for sure.

Consider the possibility that it's just divorce. To
purposely crush and attempt to subject a child through
that sort of trauma. That's like trying to lobotomize them
when they're first born. There's something about it that's
just wrong.

Wrong because, ... as time goes by, society is suppose to
become more stable, not more chaotic and cruel. It is
suppose to be the case that in an ideal world, you'd want
to lessen your arsenal of hate and weapons. Not build them
up with cynics.

The situation is a little tricky, to say the least.
Although, it's not as if I am trying to say that I'd love
to get a divorce once I have a kid. I'm a bit old fashion
in that sense. Once I'm married, I'm married for life. A
child of my own.. Well, ... I don't think I've ever talked
about that. For alot of reasons. Perhaps for another time,
in another entry. But to say the least, ... I use to have
thoughts of learning to play a stringed instrument, so I
could soothe them and put them back to sleep after a bad
dream. Something like either the viola or the cello.

I just wonder at the practicality of putting children
through certain rigors at an early age. I mean, if we put
a child through certain stresses and rigors, we could come
up with someone like Tiger Woods. Persevere, and attain a
highly developed state of self. And yet, at the same time
we could also end up with Ted Kaczynski. Another highly
developed state of self.

Well at any rate, time to get back to studying.




Ad: