SoVain

FlyLikeADove
2004-03-28 23:23:39 (UTC)

damn unpretty

I dread mirrors or any other reflective surfaces. I know
what I'm going to see and I know it's never better. It's
never getting better. As I approach one, or even just think
about mirrors, I can feel myself getting sick and my
stomach actually hurts. Just from thinking. It's one thing
to have a bad day look in a mirror and dislike yourself.
But to feel it everyday, that driving force to look in that
mirror but already know what's going on.....it's sick. It's
a sick and twisted form of personal torture. I can always
feel it, a splinter in the back of my mind. I hate myself.
I can't bear that mirrored reflection as it stares back and
haunts me. No matter what anyone says, it falls on deaf
ears. It hurts to hate yourself. If you don't its
impossible to have any idea. I imagine the sick pain I
constantly fel is something like self-mutilation, which I
don't do. At least physically. Mentally, pyschologically,
I'm tearing myself to shreds. Sick, warped, twisted
daydreams of broken mirrors or not seeing anything at all
haunt me. When I look at my wrists I can see the cuts. The
stabs and gashes that aren't there but in my mind they are.
Did I put them there? I don't know. I can't remember a time
when I didn't feel this way. It felt less then, but I know
it was still there. I don't know how to escape my problem,
because it is a problem, and the problem is myself. I don't
know how to escape myself. I can't win. Good-bye.
- L.J.




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