2004-03-28 20:41:42 (UTC)

not writing

something is
not right

i think this alot when i feel weird, when i feel like
something isnt. right.

well, number one i feel this cause marco is sucking face
with some girl right now. flirting, ive seen him flirt.
last time i talked to him he said, "but remember, i love
you." and i know he does. he doesnt flirt with me, thank
god. he loves me.
last night i stayed home, to write, which i didnt. i was so
tired. drained of all energy . talked to chrisbert online
and got rejuvenated. he has to be a ragdoll if he doesnt
feel , or think SOMETHING. i made a comment the last time
we talked , that i was gonna take advantage of him if my
italian lover wasnt coming. i feel good that i told him
kinda about marco. last night/

also, badchris called incessantly. at first i picked up,
talked to him, but he was drunk. he wanted to come over. i
said no. then he called about 10 more times and i didnt
pick up.
at this time, chrisbert and i were talking about our exes,
how to make sense of what happened. a sign , huh.

anyway, i said i held no romantic illusions. and chrisbert
said "thats good to know." i ignored that. cause i was
like ahhhhh what does that mean?? i know he likes talking
to me. i like him. liiiiiiiiiiike.

i just yelled at andy and i shouldnt have, he wanted to go
to chelsea piers. mom told me it was up to me. she mightve
let him go, i didnt. i told him, screamed, this wasnt my
job, its just cause his parents are useless, why is he
making this so difficult. cause he was. and i didnt want
to deal with it. what did i want to do instead? this?
decide what to do? my god, i really might not have kids.

i feel like vomiting my fucking tooth hurts

i wasnt able to write a goddamn thing this weekend. all
last night. i had the energy to talk to chrisbert, not to
write. and i couldnt even fall asleep. and i dont feel like
going out.

i kinda wanna go to the gym. shower. come back here. try
again to write. i feel sad. dont feel sad. maybe i won't
go to work tomorrow. take the day again to write.

im gonna try for that nyu writing thing again. in june. 3
grand! maybe grandma will pay.

i feel sad. sad im not writing. cant write. unpublished.