aNd sO i WrItE
2004-03-28 02:43:57 (UTC)

Why do i feel this way

Dear journal or diary....
hello.... how are you/?... me?... at the time horrible...
mah whole day has just been so bad i shouldnt have even
bothered to get up out of bed.... 1st it started when i
got out of tha shower... i couldnt even dry all tha way
off and get dressed b4 some one told me wtf i did wrong
tha way i did it wrong n what i had to do.. they were
yelling and so yes i yelled baq.. and they shut up...but
then after feeling bad i just shut up... n i just wanted
to be left alone... i been feeling so sick lately... n
ihate it... it hurts so much.....and then... man mah
knee?.. damn today was tha worst it has ever been but i
been hiding it from ppl... or trying to... i wasnt having
a good day at home so i decided to try to getout of tha
house after having conflicts wit mah man... tha conflicts
were from nothing.. i didnt mean to say wha i did it wasnt
meant to be taken like that i was mad at him bc he didnt
call me when he needed to most... n damn it got me so mad
n i was so sick just tryin to fight... im too weak for all
of this shit yo... im crying so bad right now.. and i just
want to leave... i really do... i just want to leave...
anyway after leaving n just trying to get out of tha
house.. some one called me who hasnt in a while....they
wanted to chill it made me happyt that they could bc we
havent gotten to chill lately since she got a job n a new
bf ... she barely call me.. n she called me so it was just
us too... and it was just us too... until.. i saw her
bf... n when i saw him... it made me so mad bc she just
left me my self.. i was just... there... man...
n i thought nothing much of it.. it always happens to me
with everythign even mah cousin used to use me to get out
of tha house or chill n i would be left.. just...there...
doing nothing... its happened to me 3 times in a friend
ship and i hate it so much.. n ive had enough of it... im
tired of beign tha ugly girl. im tired of being put down
talked about n shit ppl dont even have enough nerve to say
anything to my face... damn thats what really gets me..
they call me fake but how fake am i if u tha one talkin
about some one n not telling them to they face im titerd
of ppl smiling in my face n talkin about me as i walk away
or when my baq is turned... im so tired of it all... it
makes me weaker n weaker n all i can do about it is cry...
i dont want to fight with my man.. i want to be there for
him.. he took wha i said n tired to flip it like i said
something other than what i said it wasnt meant to be like
that i was just mad... and then after being at tha mall...
man she made me so mad.. i was tryign to talk to her once
again and no one fuckin listnes to me.. about anything i
said nothing they just dont even bother to listen... i
said something about wanting to move ... and she
interrupted me after looking at me for 2 secs and said her
makeup was messed up... man its like i went out alone
today... only had some one there just for show... and man
i fuckin hate shit like that ill leave n go everywhere frm
now on by my self i dont care... i have no porblem wit
it... i always end up alone anyway... man.. and then her
man had to nerve to catch an attitude with me.. nd i never
said anything to him n then he wanna try n come sit by me
like we buddy buddy... i just got up n walked away.. man
he used to be so cool wit me.. that used to be my older
brother he was alwasy loookin out for me... but now... all
we ever do is catch attitudes wit each other n fight n
then she tired to catch an attitude wit me... i went
off... we got into like 3 fights in one day... man it was
just fuckin bullshit im so mad righ tnow.. but im so
mother fucking sad... its so unblieveable.. no one hears
me no one sees me no one nothing... im just there... im
afarid im aobut to loose my last friend.. my one n only
friend... and i feel like ive already lost her... i tired
to tell her this n again... she aint really listen... :-
/.... my tears just keep pouring out.. n while we were at
tha mall my knee was hurting so much i almost fell... i
had to sit down for a min n massuage it.. n then.. just
ignored it for tha rest of the day.. my head is hurint
npoudning so much right now... man... its just like odl
times no one ever cares... man im so tired of everything
especailly my fronts bc they not me n then when today i
didnt put on my front... she got mad at me saying that im
always in a bad mood .. no its not that at all.. i just...
im not me... im not happy at all.. i say im fine 24/7 but
im lying,... and i dont know.. im so depressed right now n
everyone keeps puttin more n more on me... it hurts so bad
literally it hurts.... and then when i was driving her
home my mom was in the car... n one mintue she was fine n
the next she was yelling at me... we almost got in a car
accident n i was driving... it didnt scare me but she was
yelling n screaming n telling me what i do wrong.. n she
was bringing back things in tha past week that i havent
done n that i have done wrong... n just throwing them at
me.. n i started crying n i was driving n crying n my
little sister was just satrting at me... i dont want her
to see me grow up like this... bc im not setting anything
for her... im always worrying about some one else n not
me... n i hate that shit.. but then again i dont mind it..
bc i dunno... i guess i dont mind it.. its always been
like that.. its always gonbe be like tha.t.. n after i started crying she just kept
going at me.. n yelling n slamming door... n wtf yo ...
im .... i dont know... man.. i just dont know anymore... i
was spoise to watch this movie with my bf tonight but ill
just call him n remind him n hang up thats all... i dont
want to talk i dont think.. i dunno but i have to stop
cryign b4 i make any phone call.. man i dunno anyway... i
have to go.. i cant bnarely see n ppl yelling aagin...
man... iight
take care
God BLKess
On3 1uv


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