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2004-03-27 01:13:20 (UTC)


i feel nice right now:)

i felt like a sack of shit at work all day, god i didnt
think i could make it.

i kept playing my little game, 'this will happen if i get
this done by this time'.. with myself to make myself keep
working. and then there was nothing left to do by 11:45,
so i went and took my mom lunch and came home.

i talked to matts mom for awhile this afternoon, she said
shes praying for me (and my ovaries) that was nice... she
loves me, its so cute.

i tried to do my papers, but i fell asleep. matt fucking
showed up at my house i was so mad, i was sleeping very
well and he came in, i laid back down and slept til i had
to go to the hospital.

that was absolute hell, god it hurt like nothing else, it
didnt hurt that bad last time but it was god awful, i was
trying not to cry the whole time. AND the chick wasnt hot
like last time. ha.

i feel good about my decision to unsend the email last
night. i wrote her and said i couldnt see her anymore
until i got over this or the bitch was out and all this,
and i realized, it wont work, its not what i want, i want
her around as much as she can be, even if its not enough,
its something and maybe if i keep wanting it bad enough,
she will realize what the right thing is.

i just read a little bit of the entry last night, and i
decided i shouldnt drink when im upset. i dont even
honestly know why i was mad. and she was so confused in
the car even and i dont really know. i guess sometimes it
just hits me, that she doesnt really want me... i dont
know, i dont know.

but i talked to her today, about her job interview, and i
realized that i cant do it. as little as it is, it makes
me so happy, just walking around the lake with her and the
puppy, and its not enough because i want to hold her hand
and kiss her and i want to live with her and help her get
her life under control and i want a lot of things i cant
have, but it still means a lot that i had the shittiest
scariest doctor morning and then she made it better in two
hours. that means enough.

and then my mom wanted to go to dinner, so we went out and
saw her and it was nice. and i was thinking the whole time,
that it wouldnt have been the right thing and im glad i
unsent it.

ashley said i need to be on meds for this. because i
honestly havent ever felt like this, this intense, for this
long, consistently. so im going to talk to dr skinner
tuesday and if i can get around the insurance problem, i'll
see my doctor next week.

so. im not going out tonight. matt wants to go to the
ladykillers, the kids want to go to rocky, and i want to
sleep before i get sad again.