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The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-03-26 23:48:55 (UTC)

fat!

in first hour this morning, english, we were going over
clauses. we've all done it a million times before, many
many years in a row, and no one payed attention. then i was
ripped back down to into the real world when my teacher
asked me to make up some sentences, write them on the
board, and the class would put them together into clauses.
my sentences were:

Hannah is fat.

She eats a lot of cake.

Theresa is skinny.

Hannah didn't give Theresa any cake.

it was just...random...it wasn't meant to make the class
erupt in laughter and humility ON MY PART. now people are
calling me fat. wee. and i have FAT written on my stomache,
with arrows pointing out in all directions. because i am a
pig.

i do excersizes every night, and i do yoga, and i run. but
i eat more than anything else. i take in more cals than i
burn. and i tell myself to shut my wide-open pie hole and
just wait the hunger out. i don't even care anymore. i
don't care if people start to talk, i don't care if anyone
gets worried. i'll do whatever it takes. i'm tired of being
a blob. i'm sick of this extra flab.

i am a huge feminist, and i'm not one who thinks life is
looks. i don't think i need to be skinny to achieve my
goals or to be happy. but i know i'm unhappy being a chubs.
the tube of fat that circles my tummy is just aggrivating.
i can touch my stomach and get a handful of skin. i have to
stop eating. stop it completely, but i have too much of a
bond with food. it's scary.

i was going to skip lunch today. i was going to skip lunch
and maybe dinner, then do some working out and drink only
water. but i couldn't skip lunch! and i'm sure as hell not
going to be able to skip dinner. food is my best friend and
i can't live without it. i don't have enough power to stop
eating, or enough control to miss out on the foods that i
love so much. i can't cut sugar completely out of my diet,
i'm a sucker for oreos. an even bigger one for cake. and
gummy worms. and ice cream. jesus i am a pig.

but i want to eat healthy. i'm TOO out of shape, but i
don't have the willpower to just stopppppp with the food
i've been raised on. i don't have the strength to. i'm just
fat. 'nuff said. i guess i have to limit my sugar and
carbs. i refuse to go atkins, eating only fatty, greasy
things because they burn faster. i'm going to have a good
time with my food, because it never fails to make me at
least a little happy, but i won't go overboard. i'm going
to be healthy, and i'm going to be skinny. [almost]whatever
it takes.


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