Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2004-03-26 21:32:43 (UTC)

Big Green Monkey

"i'm not
asking for
forgiveness
for
the things
that i don't know.
but i'm
really
not that
different,
you just
made me
think so"

i'm so bored. i have three things i could be doing, but
all three are related to school and if i see one more
formula or one more definition...i'll lose m mind.

dad finally emailed me back today and said my plan for a
new car is fine. he said that i'd have to get a job before
the payments started...but i guess he didn't read that
part of the plan.

i think he's happy i'll be coming home. i know he's a guy
and he likes being alone now that it means no wife
around...but i really think he misses his kids. adam's not
coming back and i'm in tampa...me being the one left who
acknowledges that i have family.

and about adam...i don't feel this emptiness now that he's
gone and i think like that should make me a bad person.
but we never were that close. we played a lot together
growing up, but adam would say it was because there "was
no one else there". and it's true. sadly.

i mean, i miss him...but how much can you "grieve" over
someone who up and leaves when the circumstances
surrounding their decision to go is based only on the fact
that they didn't feel like they were given a good life.
shouldn't they make the best of their OWN life? and work
for it?

mom and dad didn't make my life what it is (good and happy
and with a lot of friends)...they gave us a good home and
good support...but no "life".

i guess i'm saying he's being a little ungrateful. but if
he BELIEVES it...i can't declare his notion 'stupid'. i
know how pissed off i get when people tell me that
i'm "acting stupid and taking things too
personal"...because they don't know how something makes me
FEEL or how one certain thing will affect me; so they
can't declare anything i FEEL as stupid.

so i won't be mad at him for being the way he is...i just
wish he'd realize that mom and dad didn't do anything to
hold him back (not on purpose)...he did. i was there, i
saw.

and i want to have a brother. i want to be at his wedding,
i want to be there with him when his children are born, i
want to invite him to my wedding (whosever comes first)
and i want to have family get togethers when we're all
older and grown up and we have to fly in with our spouses
(and perhaps) children. i don't want it to be me and
mom...alone....or me and dad....alone. hell, maybe that's
selfish thinking right there. but a lot of that wishing
was knowing he'd be happy. no matter what our lives hold
for us...i hope he's happy....that i can say without any
hesitation...and that makes me feel good about me.




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