angiesm69

Angies Thoughts
2004-03-25 19:52:15 (UTC)

WTF!!!!!

ok....... hmmm..... my ex... i just dont get this ok heres
the story the wholeeeeeee thing... when i was 17 i had
many problems which includes drugs.. sex...and just plain
NOT CARING.. if a man gave me some sort of sign id
basically spread my legs... i dont know exactly why i just
snapped like that but i did.. and boy do i regret it.
Anyways.. when i was 17 i met this man named phil
zeigler.. he was 24 i was 17.. yikes huh... yah .. he had
3 kids and a wife.. but they were seperated and i thought
for sure i could handle this.. but i couldnt.. when i met
him to be honest i wasnt attracted to him in the least
bit.. but i have a flaw i like to change people.. not
anymore btw.. but anyways.. i moved in with him that day
because my dad tried grounding me.. i was 17 cmon now..
what am i gonna do.. REBEL.. so yah i moved in with him ..
made him cut his hair threw away most his clothing
shave..... ugh.. the shit i get myself into. anyways
suprisingly we got a long great and i accepted him for
him.. i fell in love with him but i wasnt very good at
expressing my feelings ive never been in love before i
didnt know how to handle all this that was comming at me..
but i dove in head first.. another flaw.. anyways.. say
april i had been talking to this guy for like 2 yrs.. he
was a great FRIEND i repeat FRIEND.. i knew phil was
controling and .. i invited him over anyways while phil
was at work... DUMBASS... anyways.. i told phil my cousin
came over.. i lied.. i felt like shit for lying but i knew
he wouldnt understand.. i became pregnant... phil was
snooping on my shit and found out i met him because the
dood said in the archieves that he liked my boobs.. now..
just remember i said he was my friend.. we didnt do
anything.. we watched a movie and sat on seperate
couches... i gave him a hug when he left because he
begged.. and after he said he liked my chest i never
talked to him again.. anyways i broke down and told phil
the truth... he got pissed of course and left me.. well..
i thought we worked things out.. boy was i wrong... a week
went by.. my cousin rochelle asked me to go to the beach
with her.. so i did... she forgot to include that we didnt
have a ride home.. now if u dont know where i lived and
how far away the beach is its oh about 10 miles away... im
pregnant remember that walking... its taking me forever
and i had no way to get a hold of phil to tell him im
gonna be late.. anyways rochelle had the bright idea of
going to her work.. to find a ride.. so we walked alllllll
the way to her work... needless to say no one could give
us a ride until like midnight.. so here i am knowing phil
is going out of his mind... we had to do some shit before
they could give us a ride.. a fukkin drug run ... i saw a
prostitute for the 1st time in my life that night ugh..
anyways when we pulled onto the road to my house i saw
MIKE BROOKS CAR........ if you dont know me i HATE THAT
MOTHER FUKER.. with every peice of my body every fukkin
peace that man....... ooo grr anyways.. i got instantly
pissed phil knows i hate him.. and that i hate him at my
house... for the 1st time i saw the devil in phil come out
i could see it in his eyes i tried saying i was soooo
sorry that id make it up but he didnt care he was dead set
on leaving me while phil and i are talking mike is outside
peeking in,... turning on and off the power saying bitch
to me and all this shit through the windows.. im in
tears.. i love this man im pregnant by him im begging him
please dont leave me PLEASE i LOVE YOU.. dear god im
crying right now just thinking about it.. i thought we
reconsiled that night... we made love.... a week went
by... we didnt have a car.. phil rode a bike to work.. he
got up one morning kissed me said ill see you baby.. and
left.. i cleaned the house lit candles.. was buck ass
nakid for him to come home... 5..no phil... 6... no phil..
7 ok im getting worried... 8.. i call his work from my
neighbors nope phil never showed for work im thinking omg
hes dead someone killed him what am i gonna do!!!!!... i
sat out allll night crying my eyes out just hoping him for
him to come down the street.. no phil.. gawd this hurts
saying all this.. im usually o so strong when it comes to
this... this man broke my heart! MY HEART!... *screams*
anyways i'll continue.. i gave up on everything.... id cry
cry cry cry cry wait for him to call called the police
filed missing persons reports and everything.... im
sitting on our bed.... nakid staring at my stomach as i
see it purtude out.. thinking what kind of life can i give
you ....... i grab a butcher knife.... get on my knees
look up to the ceiling... saying god forgive me and press
it against my chest.... and i get a knock on the door...
its phil.....hes on the phone.. i wrap a blanket around me
so quick and BOLT out the door... he tells me he left me..
he cant handle me.. and the things i do to him i tell him
ill change i swear to GOD ill change... no he says i
cant.. im in ohio .. i cant angie.. i dont love you...hmm
he doesnt love me.....maybe i should have just collected
my loses and just gave up then....... but no i cant do
that i want my child to have a father.. needless to say he
comes back a COMPLETELY different person... completly
different.. i just dont know what to do i have to change
so much just to keep this man in my life.. but.... i did
it..... because i loved him.... the next few months were
hell i had to perk when he came in the room put on a fake
smile.. .pretend sex was still enjoyable... gawd i grew to
hate sex it seemed to be the only thing that kept that man
happy..... i mean and it wasnt that it was bad i was
just..... turned off emotionally towards him...i didnt
want to be but the feelings just werent there...
anyways... december comes our daughter is born.. bianca
belle zeigler beautiful 5 lbs 12 oz 19 1/2 inches long
baby girl.......we had just moved into our new trailor..
everything was actually going ok for once i was starting
to get feelings back.. i thought for sure everything was
gonna be perfect this time... nope.... wrong again he left
me at least 3 times while we lived there... he always left
me... especially when i needed him most.. hed throw
tantrums like you wouldnt believe.....including ripping
phone cords out of the walls.. one time i got pissed and
pushed over a brand new vaccum.. he looked me right
straight in the eyes.. and said you dont appreciate the
shit i buy then you aint having it and smashed it with his
foot.. i could believeeeeee my eyes.. we threw water on
each other and everything.. lol its actually sorta
funny... wasnt then but it is now.. lol... anywayssss we
lost the trailor had to move into a nasty motel.... lemme
tell you thats no fun when you have to have a crib in
there as well.. i remember the date actually.. i was
sitting on the bed watching my soap oprahs and it was
interupted by the 9/11/01 crashes.. at that moment.... i
felt me really pull away from phil...... i left him this
time.. i went to my moms and he soon followed ... now
remember me telling you about my past.. we got into a
biggg aurgument and he called me a whore... and a
slut..... seeing hes so high and mighty because he only
slept with 3 others and one was me.. he handled his
problems differently than mine.. everyone has their own
way of dealing with things.. right? anyways.. ive never
forgot that day it lingers on in my mind someone called
me a whore....someone i love called me a slut.... talk
about feeling worthless.. see i would have left phil for
good that time but i knew no one would want me.. i was fat
now.. i have stretch marks my boobs arent perfect.. im
scared to death of being alone.. and what am i right now..
ALONE... i got exactly what i didnt want... to be alone..
to have no one to kiss no one to make love to no one.. to
be noticed..everyday to hear someone say im beautiful and
mean it without just trying to get into my pants and use
me.... gawd how i miss having someone.....i cant continue
this right now.......just to let you all know ive never
shared any of this with anyone.. ~Angie~




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