eidolon

shifting mists
2004-03-25 09:02:51 (UTC)

and then.. HaPPineSS just HappenED...

... mmmm’k... well i wouldn’t have believed it had someone
told me... the likelihood that a few giggles and the sort
of things imagined that were given would for most probably
not fill the mind with such vibrant colours of energy...
but they did mine...

... bursts of red and blazing green swirl together and
yellow mixed in for good measure... they course through my
veins like music usually does and make me laugh... yes
laugh...and smile.... for the first time in longer than i
could care to remember... really smile....

It takes time
To heal the wounds I've made along the way

.... not the sarcastic humorous twist of lips or amused
twinges of a grin but smiles... spontaneous smiles that
stretch over the face and alight the eyes.... a radiance
that shimmers and dazzles in the air around and all i want
to do is bounce around like a rabbit or beach ball singing
the same word over and over again... . "HappY haPPy HappY
haPPy HaPPy Happy Happy HaPPPY happY" ... silly, i know but
it is how deep within myself as well as on the surface i
feel at this moment...

If I'm blind
Open my eyes 'cause I need to see again

... i feel good... i burst with energy that flows through
me into the air and enlivens those things around me that
before my mind perceived as so dull and lifeless.... was it
the giggles and laughs? ... the mental images that perhaps
most might find gruesome or unconscionable but found
mutually enjoyable for a time between friends?... perhaps
just the enjoyment of speaking with someone not spoken to
in such a very long time.. someone always enjoyed... often
taken comfort from or given to... but not heard the voice
of in years....

If I can feel again
Will you tell me now
Or wait til I'm broken down again
Save me now
I'm broken

...yes.... yes i am smiling like a loon...and not the kind
they use to pay for things up here in this god forsaken
land of concrete and polluted air and too many people...
but like the kind you’d find in a padded room somewhere
hidden away from the world never to see the light of day
again but not caring....

... not drunk... not high either unless this is some sort
of endorphin rush... and at this time not able to
understand what happened, especially not in this state of
ecstatic joy.... all i can do is look at the activities of
the last few hours and surmise that it is indeed his
fault... somehow in some unexplained way, an oddity to be
sure since my moods are so rarely reactive to other people
or for that matter external stimuli .... but it's either
that or sitting upside down on the sofa did something
strange to my brain’s chemical balance...

If I bleed
My lies won't fill the emptiness inside

...came home.... sat down and had a talk with mother on the
phone ...made supper... had a small kitchen catastrophe ...
then another talk with a friend not spoken to in such a
very long time... years even...

.. i then got back up and started moving around and
BAM!!... HaPPineSS just HappenED.... and... it... feels....
Good!..... really really very amazingly good.... if i felt
like this all the time i'd probably have an aneurysm....
but it has been so long since i've felt anything even close
to resembling the enlivening bloom of... of joy...
within... how could i possibly look at that in any way but
the best of lights?....

... wandering off singing loudly and off key... "HappY
haPPy HappY haPPy HaPPy Happy Happy HaPPPY happY...."

I just need
For something real to open up my mind

... you’re right by the way.... knowing sooner or later
you’ll find this.... it’s time for me to begin writing
again... important for my soul...

... this is the first... the first touch of return.. a
reawakening... rusty... unused ... it is the first kiss of
words upon page... more will come ...

Lyrics courtesy of "Broken Down" by Sevendust.