DayDream Believer
2004-03-24 13:03:35 (UTC)


I`ve started thinking about Chris agen, we have some
contact, but just with the phone.Thought he has asked me to
meet him sevral times...

Please dont jugde me for this, or at least let me explain
Tommy sais its just him and me, but how can I trust him
when he cant say I love you, or are in love with me?? Is it
not more easyer to fal in love with someobe else when
you`re not in love, contra when you`re allready in love?
He trust me much more now than he did a year ago, before
the kiss with Chris.
My feelings now are not what they used to be, a lot about
me has changed during this hard time with Tommy, I dont
know if anything, including me, will go back to the way it
where before..
I feel like I need a saftynet, something to fall on if it
was over between me and Tommy. I have learnd my lesson, I
can not trust Chris like I can trust Tommy. Tommy would not
let me down, while Chris would.

My feelings for Chris is not like they where in December!!
I dont have a cruch on him!!! I just want to be friends
with him and hang out with him agen.
Its Tommy I want, I want to survive this with him, move
tougether with him, get marrid to him , have his children
and live my life with him. And hopefully I die first, so I
dont have to live without him.
And I want to tell Chris this, so he understands, I want a
friend, nothing more!!

But stil its wrong, cause I would have to be doing this
behind Tommys back. And always worrid about him finding
out, and if he did... then out relkationship would be over.
And is this worth it? NO!!
I want Tommy for my boyfriend and no one else, I would
never hurt him.
Thats probobly why I cort myself walking to Chris work, he
has invited me to come and say hi, but I always pass it,
look at him trough the window and stands a way he cant see
What me and Chris has is special, or at least to me. But
the love me and Tommy share is greater, bigger and much
more fantastic than that. But stil I miss Chris and want to
see him, but I dont want to hurt Tommy.

I would not say that all this is my foult, its not all due
to the night we kissed. Tommy and Chris could`nt stand each
other way before that. And I think that if we didnt kiss,
things would stil be the way they are now, or even worse.

Would it be terrible, terrible wrong of me to go and see
Chris behind Tommys back?? I need some advise here...
The great thig about it is, that I probobly would remember
all the bad tings about Chris once I start talking to him.
I had hundred uppertunitys te see him lately, but I
havent, stil I feel guilty.

Love Angel