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2004-03-23 00:29:35 (UTC)

March 22/2004

SLACKER ------

I know that I haven't been writing in here as much as I'd
hoped, or even keeping it interesting to MYSELF. But hey,
what can you do?

It seems I've been kinda sliding as of late, and rather
than think about my problems and deal with them, I instead
just shuffle them aside. It isn't healthy, that's for sure.

I can't quite put my finger on what it is that's changed so
drastically that it's affected me so. I guess it comes
from a variety of stresses as usual...

First off, there's the whole money issue AGAIN. Starbucks,
unfortunately only gives me something like TEN FUCKING
HOURS a week, which doesn't even make my RENT, let alone
allow me to eat. Yeah, I've been eating Japanese food
every day, but hey, that's ALL I've been eating. I spend
roughly $10-14 a day on food, and that's it. That's pretty
good if you ask me (GO JUSTIFICATION!). Either way, the
finances are fucking me up.

Secondly, things have been SUPER fucked up at home between
my sister and I. I've stopped being nice to her when she's
being selfish, and she thinks that I'm being mean because I
have a computer addiction. I know that the major problem
is miscommunication, but it's hard to just go up to someone
and say "I think you are selfish, and that's why I treat
you poorly."

I just got tired of taking shit from her for no reason.

To give myself a couple of examples to reflect on:
a) Jocelyn would like to use the computer to check her
email (I'm currently on the computer, halfway through a 20
minute video). She asks me politely if she could use the
computer. I politely ask back if it's alright that I just
finish my video (a reasonable request). She states that
no, it is not okay, and she needs the computer NOW, and not
later. She checks her email. She goes away.

Now, I understand this doesn't seem that bad, but imagine
it happens daily for a couple of months. I guess the
problem is that there's NEVER any comprimise. Whenever I
politely ask for a comprimise, I'm told to fuck off and she
gets all in a bad mood. And for the past couple of months,
I just took that until a couple weeks ago. Now, whenever
she won't listen to a comprimise, I tell her to shut the
fuck up. Obviously, this creates friction.

Now, that's not to say that the computer is the only
contention point. The same goes to the bathroom, the
television, books I'm reading, etc. It's just fucking
insane. Whatever she wants to do, she does. And if she
doesn't get it, she puts you on a guilt trip. It's fucking

Thirdly, where I think I'm lacking is the self-esteem
category. As the time to join the military gets less and
less, I feel more and more tense. I try to keep myself
focused and positive, but more and more I feel like I'm
going to fail already. I'm worried that if I keep that
attitude up, I WILL fail.


I guess I've just been having a rough couple weeks caused
by stress. I need to relax or something.


The writing has been going well for the illustrated novel
(ben and I agreed that I'm writing too much for it to be
considered a traditional comic, and we don't want to chop
the writing down because we like it). I'm trying to work
on it at least once a day, and type out a page or so of
dialogue/narration/actions. I personally feel that what
I've written the last two days is a little weak, but it
kind of needs to be. The general idea is that the story is
going to go from positive to really negative, and it's hard
to do positive writing without coming off as cliche. I
keep writing depressing shit and benny reams me out, so I
have to explain it, etc, etc. So far we've agreed fairly
well on what should be happening in the story.

The latest point of contention is over the mood that the
main character (Lindsie) should be displaying to her
boyfrined (Trevor) when he is trying to force her to not go
to class and to instead spend the day with him. Ben wants
Lindsie to be weakish, feel horrible about herself and
refuse to go, where I want her to get pissed off and refuse
to go.


Why is this such a point of contention? Because atmosphere
is everything. I like both ideas (but I like mine
more :D), as they convey different feelings. Ben's way is
that Lindsie is weak, and then later gets pissed off about
the whole thing, where my way, she gets pissed off
initially, then gradually wears herself down to
depression/apologizing to trevor. Either way, I end up at
the same point, but they emphasize different traits. I
feel mine emphasizes the self-delusion and low self-esteem
of Lindsie, while Ben's way makes her seem like a stronger
sort of person (developing a backbone after a bit). It's
the same thing we've had many discussions over. Ben =
Happier Feelings, Aaron = Depressive Bitch.

Alas! The creative process.

The saddest part of all? This arguement is over something
that's only going to be a minor blip in the novel. Just
goes to show you how focused on teh minor details we are


See? Irrefutable proof that you are valuable.

Not much has happened to me in the past couple of days, so
I don't have any cool stories to share with you. Most of
what has been going through my head is in the first part of
this entry.

I worry about you, and if you're doing alright. I hope you


Quote of the Day:

Lots of Bawls (65mg of caffeine per 10oz bottle! -- on par
with a cup of strongly brewed coffee)

Listening to:
Constant bitching.mp3 -- not a real song.

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