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2004-03-22 01:29:10 (UTC)

just a couple of the million things that i love about you...

i wonder why i put that last entry in this journal and not
the regular one. maybe i already had this open. whatever.

sometimes it just hurts so bad i cant help but give in to

it was a stupid fucking idea to go see her. even if i cant
drink anywhere else in orlando, or sit outside and smoke
while im served, even if they are really good fucking
margaritas. that wasnt why i was there and i knew it and
im a fucking moron.

two nights in a row, and erin didnt help, cus it was fun
and she had fun too and she was all about going back. we
drank and smoked and talked and caught up but in the
backgroung, it was uncontrollably fucking up everything ive
been putting effort into for 2 weeks.

i just CANT BE AROUND HER. i cant fucking do it because
this is what it does to me. and i cant remember, i cant
make myself remember that she doesnt want me and that im
making a fool of myself and where did my pride all go.

and now im sitting here thinking about the first night i
slept in her bed but didnt fuck her or try to because i
laid there with one arm around her thinking that she was
too special to be the fifth person i slept with
meaninglessly in four months.

and every part of that exact same feeling i can remember
with such perfect intensity that it could have been last
night. i may not be able to picture anyone or anything in
my mind ever and that may be abnormal (which i just
recently found out) but every other sense of certain
memories sticks in my mind forever.


weakness infuriates me, stupidity infuriates me and this is
what she does to me.

and i dont even have the strength, to say i cant see her
anymore. because i dont want that and i dont have that
kind of mental self discipline. and i thought thats what
SHE fucking said??? i dont even understand, i dont
understand why we cant just be together and have it work
and both stop being so fucking unhappy BECAUSE she doesnt
WANT ME and i cant seem to get that into my fucking
retarded head but i just dont understand i dont uderstand i
dont understand it makes me want to fucking die and i want
to fight it and scream and never see her again because when
i have to walk away not knowing when i'll see her again or
when she calls me to tell me something cute or anything it
just kills me it breaks me back down into little tiny
pieces i just dont know what the fuck to do i dont
understand and i hate it i fucking hate it and i hate
myself for fucking it up when it could have been perfect
and i hate that i cant just say well you did fuck it up and
thats over now i cant let it go and i cant fix it and i
cant do anything fucking right.

and im growing very tired of being the girl with constantly
a drink in one hand a cigarette in the other and blood
dripping down her leg or arm im very tired of being that
girl and im also very tired of trying to fight being that
girl. im just getting too weak and too tired to do
anything i never fucking wanted this, i just want to love
and i end up with all this fucking hate and pain and its
not fucking fair i dont deserve it im a good girl i have a
lot of love and im not a bad person its not fucking fair.