polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-03-21 02:26:47 (UTC)

the "just-my-luck" thing

about a second ago i caught glimpse of myself in the
mirror, the edges covered in stickers, propped against my
need-to-be-painted walls. i'm a pathetic looking specimen.
i'm in bluejeans and my vintagey spiderman shirt that i
love oh so much. my hair is once again a sloppy mess, with
a chunky ponytail loosely hanging from my scalp and whips
framing my face. i'm sitting indian-style in my beat up,
red polie (polie=my geeky nickname for rolling
chairs...polie, rollie polie, get it?. i have pizza sauce
on my lip.

so i cracked. soccer diets suck. i'm not even hungry, but i
had to have some. it smelled really good. i feel horribly
fat with a fluff of skin spilling over the brim of my
jeans. i wanted to cry yesterday when i saw a tiny little
girl whose leg was like my lower arm. i used to be like
that, and i liked it.

max and i are discussing colleges. we both have our hearts
set on nyu. we headed early this morning at the crack of
dawn aka 7am to freshman orientation. i entered a crowded,
buzzing auditorium full of nervous people. i hadn't noticed
that i was shaking untill then. i spotted shelle and tess
and headed to a seat in the row behind them. i saw all
kinds of familiar faces, though very few of them i needed
to see. i saw a lot of people from my past. i was a nervous
wreck. these people hadn't seen me in years, yet the
recognized me through the haircut and dye, the freshly
applied makeup, and the fat suit i was wearing. cough..

we had to take some placement type tests to see what levels
of shit we'd done already. i think i tested out of some
hours in spanish. it was muy facil. the math test was
another story - i was the last one there, i never finished
the test. after that was course selection and registration.
i got it all done, but i'm still annoyed that they don't
have the photography class i want.

i'm thinking a lot about college. what i have left to do.
people who have never expressed any interest in it before
are starting to. they want to go to nyu. and it bothers me.
i'm being a brat, i know. but i'm feeling like some people
don't...i don't want to say deserve, but they're not
really...entitled to a position there? is that crazy? i'm
overwhelmed by it all, the to-do list. i'm not going to be
dramatic about it. i mean i can handle it. i won't be a
drama queen and throw a fit about it, but i am just going
to state for the record that i am a nervous freak.
admitting it is only the first step.

i felt really left out of a lot of things today. everyone
seemed to have someone. and i had myself. it's a somewhat
recent thing. i've been left out a lot before, but i'm not
a freakish jealous person. if everyone is together and i'm
left at home, i get a bit uneasy because my mind
asks, "well now why did everyone decide to get together and
exclude you?". it's discouraging. everyone talked this week
about monster truck shirts and the really good cake the
girls made. i was never clued in. my silent, mediocre
jealousy stayed within me. but shelle and i did make a
great cake once, and we had dork shirts a while back. i'm
not completely left out. i'm not a reclusive outcast. i
only have a sense of being the sole item of disgust when
everyone gets together.

he was gone friday. he didn't even tell me either, i was
surprised when he wasn't at lunch. he left for atlanta and
might not even be at school monday, depending on how far
they get in the tournement. after this, he has to sit out
for four weeks. four depressing weeks for him, and for me
because with him being without the thing he loves most in
this world, i get nothing out of it either. maybe his
injury will magically heal up this weekend and he'll be
able to play again. so i actually WON'T see him at all.
it's not a wish, a prayer. it's an i-know-it-will-be-just-
my-luck type thing.

without him here, i haven't been glued to the computer
constantly. i've spent some time reading, taking pictures,
outside even. i saw a play last night. i didn't want to go.
i really resented the fact that i'd been manipulated by my
friend who played the guilt card on me to get me to go. but
i went anyway, just for the sake of it, and i don't regret
it. we had a great time, partially because we are pervs and
made all the jokes dirty. and we laughed harder/more/louder
than anyone and everyone there. and we had a swordfight in
the lobby and again in the parking lot of las palmas. i got
home late and slept reasonably well through the night only
to get up at 7 and head to orientation. gah.

apart from that, nothing extraordinary happened this
weekend. tomorrow i'm going to some basketball games with a
friend from school/basketball camp. that should be
interesting. i was actually really excited to go, to be
even invited. it's a HUGE step up for moi. and i'm a dork
for thinking so, but it made me happy so anyone with

i'm in a stupor now. i'm tired, and tonight is my only
window for a good night's rest. i won't get in untill
eleven anyway from the games tomorrow. it's going to be
impossbile for me to get up monday morning. i haven't been
overly depressed. only the same thoughts lingering...my
parents had a meeting with my therapist last wednesday. mom
said they mostly talked about my dad and my anxieties with
him and school. i'll go back to her this wednesday. i'm

the stupor has changed to an absolute battle to keep my
eyes open. 'night.