Nick's Journal
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2004-03-20 16:04:57 (UTC)

The Concept of Equilibrium

If you think this entry is going to be something boring
about physics, you're dead wrong. this is about getting
drunk. more specifically it is about getting drunk and
STAYING drunk all day long.
many different emotions might have been evoked by my last
sentence. some of which being, "what kind of an alcoholic
would want to get and stay drunk all day?" or "that sounds
easy anyhow, just drink!" - wrong!
go ahead, try it. just drink, i guarantee that you will
pass/black out in a pool of your own vomit.
for a history of equilibrium we must go back to sophmore
year, back to when we went on the camping trip with our
redneck friends. first created by luke and ryan
(veritable masters at the art) it came to be a legend.
these two whole-hearted alcoholics decided that they
wanted to be drunk all day long in the good old outdoors,
because what fun is shooting a gun or wielding a knife
while sober? they knew it woudl be tough, because when
you break open the first brew at 9 am you're lucky to make
it to noon without vomiting up your liver. so they
devised a system which alowed them to get progressively
more drunk, but not so drunk that they couldn't "control"
their urge. it worked and by 2 pm they were stinking
fucking drunk doing doughnuts in a pickup truck grinding
every imaginable form of wildlife under the tires.
this tradition carried on to the dorm fest which
culminated in them knocking a six-pack out of the hands of
an unsuspecting neighbor who was trying to get passed them
without answering their insistent requests on him to give
them a detailed report as to "how hard he was chillin'"
now here's the method to the madness.
first of all, don't go all out and drink 15 beers in the
first 3 hours. you will black so fast it's not even
right. instead, pace yourself at a level that you feel
you can handle. althought it has to be a minimum of 2
beers an hour for the first 3 hours, then you can taper it
off and maybe even give yourself an hour of driving around
and collecting your thoughts. eat. not 9 hotdogs in 15
minutes (luke), but preferabbly spaghettios. a valuable
and nutritious cuisine endorsed by ryan. not only does it
give you the heavy satiated feeling that drunks crave, but
it also goes well with the blue of the cops uniform, when
you puke it all up on him at 11 at night. don't feel
embarrased by lying down. this (contrary to popular
opinion) is NOT passing out. lying down in a controlled
and willing manner in your OWN bed, because the world just
won't stop spinnning and that fat chick is looking really
good is merely a sign of wisdom. however falling down off
of a dorm residents loft and careening onto his television
set with flailing arms IS passing out, especially when the
convulsions of electricution do not awaken you.
remember the golden rule of equilibrium. moderation. be
an all-day alcoholic but be it moderately. sure consuming
25 beers in 13 hours seems a bit "crazy" but it's quite
simple if you just take it one step at a time. remember
the chinese proverb, "the journey of 25 beers begins with
2 beers for the first 3 hours and then atleast 1 beer an
hour therafter."
do this and you will be reeling in that stinking drunk
stupor that gives you the confidence of a 1,000 horny
gorillas, and you too will ask a cop how hard he is
chilling and insist that people call you, "godfather don."