2004-03-20 03:53:41 (UTC)

rant -

i just wrote a ranting and depressed email to julie. here
it is .

hi julie.

i feel shitty for some reason. i talked to marco this
morning, then picked andy up from school and took him and
his friends ice skating. for some reason felt sad. i wanted
to be back to go to my yoga class. i needed to. but this
girls mother was late picking her up. so i went to the gym
anyway, came back took a shower, and i just feel like
crying. no reason really. also the stupid scale said i
gained 2 pounds which just isnt possible. sinse tuesday?
how? why? that makes no sense? cause i didnt go to the gym
for 2 days? please. retarded. and maybe this is just bad
for me. cause i read these articles, for tips, and learn i
am like 50 pounds overweight and im never gonna lose that.
and read about cancer, and i dont wanna smoke, and all the
cancer shit in diet coke and everything else. what do you
do to take care of your body? and i feel like a fat ugly
and marco was sick , told me he was gonna go out with some
girl who likes him this weekend but cant cause he is all
sick. i told him i dont wanna know things like that. how
come girls like him, and its been years sinse a guy liked
me , meeting me, not over the stupid LOSERVILLE internet.
he pisses his bed and is a manic depressive maniac, doesnt
even have a good job. but he gets girls doesnt he. and
what am i. i dont make money, dont have any real talents
that i can execute at all, and am an ugly fat hog. no
wonder chrisbert doest like me huh/
i dont know why i feel this way. i donthave a reason
im gonna drink some wine and watch some sopranos. im not
going anywhere tonight. maybe get stoned. i would love to
fucking write something. anything. that would make me feel
i was looking around craigslist last night. all the
differnt cities ... there are so many places in the world.
i want to see him, live in them, i want to see what life is
like , in different places. austin, portland, san diego.
they were talking about pensacola, nice houses for 180
grand. simple life. other cities, rent it like 400 a month.
even less.
i feel like i have nothing. how i just wanna go somewhere
else, anywhere. then i think about andy, and i feel guilty.
he says "if mom and dad get a divorce, im living with you."
i hate that im prone to this depression shit. and ya know
what i want right now? a grilled cheese sandwhich. if i had
bread, id make one. maybe i can make one with the george
forman grill and an english muffin. haha. not the same.

anyway sorry to heap this on you, but i need the catharsis
ya know. i hope you feel better. and are resting.

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