munkyweasel

Radical Belligerence
2004-03-20 00:25:36 (UTC)

everything falls.

So Sam broke up with me on... what was it, Wednesday?
Either that or early Thursday. Yeah I told her about
kissing Hailey. So yeah it's done I guess. Well the funny
thing is... the very next day I went to her house with
Matt. He thinks she's cooler than all the other girls but
not as hot. I think she's cooler and hotter.

I feel really bad about it. Really really bad about it. I
knew it had to end but... I mean... she's so much more
intelligent than me, anything I can say can be said 100
times better by her. And the things I say are said better
by her all the time. It hurts me. I know she's hurt but...
I wish I could feel unique, I guess.

I hear some girls are easy. I don't know if I really want
an easy girl. I don't know anymore though, you know? I
don't think I want a real relationship, because they do
always have to end. And someone is gonna get hurt. But then
again, everyone has done so much more in terms of action
than I have, so maybe an easy girl would be better? I guess
there's also a similar I have between being sophisticated
and being a stoner. I wanna go for one sometimes and for
the other. I haven't gotten stoned yet but every time I
wanna try it. Fuck you dad. He thinks he's so much better
than me... I'll do everything he has done and see if he's
still better. That wasn't what I meant. If I drank as much
as he has in his life, I'd die. He has built up tolerance
and a dependence on the drug since he was probably about my
age, and to try and emulate that in my own body would be
suicide.

All of my problems are a product of my lack of will or by
the presence of ill will within me. I am evil; why I live I
do not know. Yes I do, I live because I am a rapist, taking
what I need and leaving what I find unsuitable, or leaving
once I find something unsuitable. And I go to shows to
annoy people and have fun at the expense (even if it is
just mere annoyance at my singing) of others. I am
inherently evil; is it futile to wish to be the messiah? I
did want to, until recently. An obvious event made me
realize that being the messiah would be painful, and I fear
pain. I fear pain because I am weak. That's it. Evil is
weakness, weakness is evil. Weakness is worse.

I am weak.




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