itsadeadroad

riana's world
2004-03-19 18:34:27 (UTC)

Can this just be untitled?

So here I am because my bus didn't come pick me up. But
don't worry I will go to school. Just not mentor meeting.
Stephanie will be angry if I am not there because I asked
her to sign up to see this jazz pianist with me. Plus I
gotta practice. I have a recital coming up. Unfortunately
for me, I have crazy nerves when I have to perform in front
of other people.
Sadly I'm feeling a little down this morning. I have come
to the conclusion that my dad is not coming back from Iraq.
We had problems when he was here but I'm afraid they will
be worse if he comes back. He will be all lean and muscular
and mom will still be overweight most likely just like he
was when he left. He won't want to go back to his job at
Manke Lumber, so they'll probably fight about that. And my
brothers will follow his example and try to be like him. My
dad's a great guy, I love him, really. But when he stays up
all night drinking kava and then he has to get up at 5am
for work he can be pretty mean. He can say some pretty mean
things too. I have also come to accept that maybe it is
natural for marriages to be a little rocky like my
parents'. Perhaps every married couple yells at each other
and argues and fights and don't get along sometimes. Maybe
we expect too much in a marriage and that is why there are
so many divorces. People think its not natural. I don't
know.
Another conclusion I have made is that I am more like my
dad then I wanna be. After my solo ensemble competition
Sat. my mom yelled at me (while we were still inside
Stadium) because she supposedly said she'd pick me up at a
certain time and I thought I was supposed to call her when
I was ready to come home. It made me angry because she was
telling me that I am selfish and that I am a liar. "All you
think about is yourself." "Stop lying to me. You are a
liar." I wanted to throw my precious clarinet against the
wall and leave it there, never play again to show her how
much I don't care about myself. She never asked me how I
did the competition or anything like it until she started
writing her letter to dad and wanted to tell him about it.
What made me not throw my clarinet was this memory of my
dad. Mom was yelling at him and telling him how he doesn't
care about anyone else but himself and his TV. So to prove
her wrong he rushed into their room and threw the TV into
the wall. Thus, the huge gash in the wall in what is now my
room. I could've thrown my clarinet. I could've opened the
case and disfigured every little piece until it was
unrecognizable. I didn't pay for it. But then I would be
just like my dad. And in the end I would have to work hard
just as he did to get himself a new TV and nothing would've
been solved. Same as always.




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