•°•Faithorific•°•

The Jiggery-pokery Phenomenon Vol.II
2004-03-19 02:43:29 (UTC)

Episode 29: Equilibrium...(or lack thereof)

-Thurs, Mar 18, 04 (8:08pm)-
Something is definitly wrong with me.
It's strange because at the Peace It Together
conference i was totally happy and giddy and excited
and even... optimistic! *gasp*
I could chill out with the RJCers and it never even
crossed my mind that i may be ugly or unworthy or
inferior.
I could totally be myself, unhindered.
I could act all crazy-weird and it never seemed to
bother them because they were all crazy-weird too.
I suppose part of it could be that i spent 80 hours
with most of them on the bus ride to St.Catherines
during the summer.
You become more accustomed to peoples little
quirks and they to yours.
But then i had to come back from PIT and i feel so...
blah.
So boring.
So tempermental.
So moody.
So inferior.
It's as if i can't compare to the other girls that go to
RCS.
The thing is, they haven't actually done anything, but
just being around them makes me feel ugly and
insignificant.
I just don't have the charisma and joy and life that
they have.
It's like i'm undead or something.
I also can't relate to the guys @ RCS the way i did
with the guys @ PIT.
With them i didn't have to worry about whether i might
be flirting or leading them on or whatever.
I could be myself.
Then i go to skool and i feel so disconnected from
every boy there.
And don't even start into the whole "well who needs
boys anyways..." or "boys don't matter when you have
Jesus..." thing.
I dunno about you, but i happen to enjoy male
company.
I happen to like talking to them on occaision (that is
IF they have time to talk to me, which they rarely do).
Sometimes there are things that are easier to talk to
guys about than girls.
It's as if I'd have to be Holly or Celsi to even get a boy
to acknowledge my existence.
Yet at PIT they talked to me of their own free will.
And we actually TALKED about stuff!
It's wasn't awkward or hindered or firced.
It came naturally.
When i was at PIT i actually ate supper with both Tim
& Mitchell, at the same time, and i didn't feel insecure or
jittery or inferior.
I felt confident and happy for once in my life.
I wish i could do that when i'm around any guy.
But i can't.
Because i somehow don't measure up when it
somes to unmennonite guys.
Yeah i'm not in the best mood right now.
Plus today was a really bad day for me.
Brooklyn's group (ie. Sarah, Heather, Shara, Jenn,
Melinda and myself) totally got the shaft when it came to
the dancing parts.
So we ended up just sitting around for an hour.
Wasting time!!
Time i could've spent planning my unbirthday party!
Yay doing absolutly nothing, except having a
headache that keeps getting worse by the minute, for
an hour! *note sarcasm*
Anyways, i'm gonna shut up now.
I hope my life reaches equilibrium pretty soon or i'm
not gonna be able to stand much more.

~Faith~




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