misanthropeerin

Just a little me
2004-03-17 04:03:14 (UTC)

weighing my life

There's a lot to think about right now.
I need reasurance that I'm doing okay. I need to feel
wanted. Nothing depressing is happening, but I would like
to be noticed. I feel so pushed aside. Everyone has other
things to worry about. He's got a girl. There's really no
point in me talking to him. The same goes for the next ten
guys in line. Then I think about Dylan. He doesn't have
anyone else. I don't have anyone. I want to go back. I
thought about him this weekend. It was one of those
chilling moments that you want to end. The memory itself
isn't painful, but the fact that it is no longer the
reality, well that hurts. I thought about how we used to
sit on the couch and cuddle. I want to relive those
seconds when we hold each other closer. The feelingness of
closeness, a sense of belonging. I am lonely now. I've
told him how I feel over and over. My honesty results in a
fruitless outcome. He has changed. The way he hurt me was
different than the normal routine. The unique method makes
it so much harder to forget about him. I haven't called
Tyler in awhile. He fades. But Dylan is permanent. The
black streak on the stark white paper is what he is. It
won't rub off. And I don't want it to. We have history.
I've become lazy. I don't want to meet new people and
involve them in my drama. He liked me while everything was
tumbling down. It's easy. History is comfort. I don't feel
like plunging into the zone of discomfort and
unfamiliarity. I don't want to meet anyone else. I don't
care if they are more attractice. I'll accept all of his
flaws. I just want him back. I can't say I'm doing better.
I won't heal. There is no veracity in saying that my
broken heart will mend. Life is so boring. He added
excitement. I slave away at school. I come home and eat
because I'm filling that space. I crash into sleep.
Sometimes I work out. Today I was lazy. I showered without
being sweaty. I felt worthless. I am so fat. And then I go
to bed. My mother wakes me up and the cycle repeats. It's
all about getting through the day, never enjoying it.
My weight has really been bothering me. I look around the
halls at school and I don't see very many fat people. I
have a hard time telling how I compare to other people. I
wish I knew what other people saw. Do I look fat to them?
I don't think I am, but then I look at other people and I
know I'm not that skinny. I have to eat. I'm not strong
enough to cut back. I work out. I don't lose any weight.
I'm really scared. What if I'll never look how I want? I
know I'd be so much happier if I could feel confident and
skinny. No one wants to listen to this. I write it all
down. I love Dylan and I am fat. That's what today
consisted of. Nothing else mattered. How do I live for the
moment if the moment is fat and Dylanless?




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