malenky devotchka

Bella Morte
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2004-03-16 23:42:41 (UTC)

misinterpreted realities

a trip to san francisco. it would SEEM nice. i was forcably
asked to go. in a week. on the 26th of march i was to board
a plane. it
SOUNDED like so much FUN. i love san francisco. any who
know me have heard me rave. i had wanted to go to school
there. but i am smarter than that. why should i go? what is
in it for me? do they really want to take me along? at what
price?
the last time i was there i had a real ball. it's such a
boss place with so many lovely buildings and psychotic
trolley rides. i looked closer at the reality of the
situation.
i NEVER have fun with these people. by breath grows short
when i'm around them. my eyes invariably dart around the
room searching for an exit. they make my mouth dry, my
fists clench, my eyes water, my ears SCREAM. and that voice
in the back of my mind goes off like a fire alarm.

where is the fire?

it's in my head.

where is the fire?

it's blocking the exit.

it's that sinking feeling.

i am not going because i am smarter than that. i can't
stand them when they live across town. why would i subject
myself to a plane ride and a three day weekend spent at
their mercy? i am far too associative. i have fond memories
of blues bars and walking between the rain drops. i'd
rather not replace with that sinking feeling in the pit of
my stomach.

i'm smarter than that.


take nothing for face value. there is always more behind
what motivates people and even more behind that. what seems
is often not.


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