iamme

Trapped inside my head
2004-03-16 20:11:04 (UTC)

She Broke It Off.

She broke it off.

She knew my situation with my husband.
She knew making my marriage work was/is important to me.
She knew it was/is important because my 5 year old
daughter has a daddy who wants to be there.
She knew it was important because my 12 year old son has a
man, the only father he has ever known, who wants to be a
dad to him.
She knew it was important because I love him.
She knew he was/is important to me, that he and I both are
going to individual therapy to heal our own selves, in
hopes that our union would become healthier.
She knew he was important enough to me to go to marriage
counceling.

She knew she would never be #1 in my life.
She knew.

She knew that my hope was that my life would become more
inclusive of her.
She knew that I wanted her as a functioning normal part of
my everyday living.
She knew that this would take time, energy, hope and lots
of love, forgiveness and acceptance.
She knew I was in love with her.
She knew that she was the first girl I fell in love with.
She knew she was the first girl I ever let touch me.
Touch me--inside and out.
I let her in!
I let her touch me!
I shared my love hand and hand with my sex.
I became vulnerable, for her.
And now she bails.
Now it is too much.
Now she decides this is not enough.
AFTER-THE-FACT
I am so angry!
I am exposed!
I exposed myself to her!
To have her tell me goodbye!
FUCK OFF
You bit off what you could not chew.
And you bit it off knowingly.
You knew what my life was about. None of it is a fucking
surprise. And you decide now that you cannot live like
this. Anymore. I do not like to feel as if this time was
sort of like an experiment. I do not like that at all.
Used to be the grievance was that when things were fucked
up with him that you would get less of me, less with me.
Now the grievance is you feel the only reason I am there
is if things are fucked up. I do not know what to make of
this. So I will make nothing of it.

Now I get to rise up--
She should have more of what she wants. She should go
about finding the love she wants. I hope she finds it.
I hope at some point she realizes that self-love must come
first.
Now,
I get to figure out what to do with these feelings.
I am so sorrowful.
So sad.
And the choice to cry is painful.
My mode?--shut down, wall it off. Sever it.
Now, I get to figure out how to look at her, be her
friend, knowing I have had my face buried in her pussy.
And I have lost my mind in her kiss.
And all I want to do, is say FUCK OFF.
Thanks for nothing.
It's been real.
See ya.
I promised I would stay.
I promised however it turned out I would be here.
A friend. Till the end.
Well, now, for the time being, I must go away. From you.
Go lick my wounds.
Regroup.
Life does go on.
At some point I will come out.
At some point.
How long it takes, I don't know.
I'll call.
Pretend it matters.
Bye.





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