Cat

fucking fucking hell

I was crashing all of last week, but kidded myself that it
would be ok.

Then, on Friday night, I don't really know what happened
but it all went horribly wrong.

I ended up in hospital, tachycardic (pulse went up to 155),
O2 levels low and blood pressure going from very high to
quite low.

I was kept in on Friday night and Saturday and spent the
day living through hallucination and paranoia.

The doc said I was medically fit, the sike said i was sike
fit and so they discharged me.

I was still poisoned, tachycardic and frightened. I lay
down outside the hospital. Security asked me to move. I
didn't. They asked police to arrest me. They couldn't
because I had been cleared by psych so was not sectionable.
Security manhandled me, bruising my arm, into wheelchair
and tipped me onto pavement. I lay where they left me and
tried to go to sleep.

After 2.5 hours, it seems that a passer-by called an
ambulance. When they found me, I couldn't walk and was
dehydrated. I was a wreck. The got me into ambulance and
called my dad who came to pick me up and take me home.

I have taken 3 days off school.

Yesterday (Monday) I went to see the beloved Dominique and
she hadn't been told. I relived it all in agony and she put
me in a sideroom and got on the phone to my sike sho.

Dom (as I heard her being called) was outraged that I do
not have a CPN or a care plan. She was very "assertive"
(her word!) with them and I am now waiting (at home) for my
phone to go, and be told I have an appointment with SHO
today. YEAH RIGHT!!!

I spent 7 hours in that sideroom, read a whole Italian
grammar book and made some decisions.

I trust Dom. More than any other professional, she actually
seems to believe me and really want to help. She is
proactive and considerate.

I will tell her what my head is full of. I will reveal the
monster and disgusting me that there is. When I know for
sure that she won't run a mile as soon as I do.

Anyway. I needed to get all that out but really the most
important thing I want to say is that I really have such
strong feelings for Dom. I wish this didn't have to happen,
cos it hurts so much and I know nothing will come of it.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Cat x